Category Archives: random thoughts

random and staccato (disconnected)

faith, mommyhood, random thoughts

Getting Out of a Slump

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Recently, I’ve been going in and out of a slump. A gray area. An in between. MAN I hate it. I have a lot on my plate, just being wife, mom, keeping house/laundry/food under control, and keeping up with my part-time church job. Usually, having a lot on my plate makes me productive… I do what I need to do and more. But in the past few weeks, we’ve spent two weekends away from home, added thinking about moving/renovating/etc and I’ve added a few more hours a week to my church job. I love those things; they excite me and they are positive things in my life. But on the other hand, I’m getting a little too overwhelmed. I’ve passed “busy” and am headed towards “drowning”. My response? Take a day where I’m really sad, feeling blue, and don’t do anything. Was that the right response? Probably not.

I did some talking to my sister-in-law (relational clarification: one of my best friends) Holly and our friend Nikki, and we just decided it was normal. Whatever stress or problem or other thing you’re dealing with, it’s normal to have a day or two where you just kinda shut down, press the reset button, and have a kind of culmination of the emotional and physical toll that stress can take on you. Boy, that was good news. My brain had been spinning all afternoon like “Am I depressed?” and “Should I be on anxiety medicine?” but truly I think I just needed a day to shove off my responsibilities (thanks, Hubby!) and do some resting.

I want to be a good mom for my kids… every single day. I want to be a good wife… every single day. I want to be good at everything I do, to spread truth and be a blessing. And I know the only way I’ll accomplish this is to stop trying to do it myself. I am too busy trying to do and do and do to remember to let God work through me, to let him order my steps and speak through me with love and kindness.

It’s a shift in my thinking that I need. To call on God when I start to stress out, or feel low, or lose my temper. To pray without ceasing, as Paul said. To keep God first in my mind, and He can help me through. He created me, and He has ordered my steps to this point. I know He has also given me the tools that I need to do these things He has called me to – I need only to let Him help me.

faith, mommyhood, random thoughts

Currently

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I’m joining Hannah at Joyful Life (her first time hosting!) for the Currently link-up series. I love connecting with y’all, visiting new blogs, hearing from you, and growing community. Join us!

photo (28)

 

Thinking about my decision to stay home with my kids this school year. It’s hard – not that I’m surprised – and it’s rewarding. I love it and struggle with it all at the same time. I know that I won’t regret this decision to spend the extra time with them, but it’s also been difficult to find any sort of routine to balance quality time with them, time with Hubby, and time to keep the house, cook, grocery shop, etc. If you’ve got it figured out, send some suggestions my way!

Listening to the sounds of J lolling his tongue around in his mouth. He’s got a lot of “la la la la la” going on!

Doing is a little difficult to tell y’all about without taking all day, but Hubby and I are doing some purging/cleaning/reorganizing/etc in the midst of our deciding whether to stay in our home, renovate/add on, or move. We are praying for major wisdom in this area; we want to make the right decision for our family and for hopefully 10 or 15 years. This is a life move, y’all.

Thankful for the crisp fall weather and the sunshine that’s been accompanying it (for now). The kids and I have been spending a lot of time outside, enjoying the weather. We are also thankful for our deck – it’s a great space to enjoy the sunshine and the breeze!

What are you currently up to?

 

home, mommyhood, random thoughts

What I Was Doing Last Year

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Last year in late September, I was expecting a baby boy to come in a couple of months. I was working, exhausted all the while, on a Christmas program, because everyone knows you need months for that. I was learning to lead worship on my own. I was beginning to feel the terrible twos coming on for my daughter (yes, several months early) while I tried to get the quality time in before her sibling arrived. I was rearranging my home, in anticipation. I was planning visits and trips before it would be harder to travel.

But this year? I’ve got two amazing, busy kids. I’ve got a husband who I appreciate and love more every single day. I’ve lost two family grandparents, but gained a niece and a nephew. I’m looking forward to my 10-year high school reunion this weekend, and reconnecting with old friends. I’m gaining more confidence in my new roles, and not mourning the old ones that I’ve moved on from. I’d say I’m doing well.

Another thing I’m doing is looking ahead (possibly way ahead) to needing more space for a bigger family (read: we are not currently pregnant). We’d like to have another child. But even if we don’t, I hear that the bigger kids are, the more space they need. And right now, every closet is full, every corner has something in it, and my kids have full roam of our home. We love our house. We’ve been here for four wonderful years. We’ve rearranged a hundred times, redecorated rooms, moved kids around, added and taken away furniture and in general changed up the feng shui.

One of my absolute favorite spots in our home. I'm sitting at the kitchen counter.
One of my absolute favorite spots in our home. I’m sitting at the kitchen counter.

But it’s time for something more. An addition, perhaps, of another bed and bath. Or a move, to a different home. We haven’t decided. We are early in the process. But our hearts are excited and mourning at the same time. Hubby and I have conversation after conversation, discussing what the best options are. We’ve met with our real estate agent who sold us our current home, seen a few houses, and even found one we think we could love. We’ve also met with a friend who does additions and renovations, discussing options if we decided to stay. It’s an overwhelming idea, whichever one we choose.

So that’s what’s happening with me right now that’s different from last year. I’d say it’s a good place to be one year later. You know, other than working my job, raising my kids, adoring my Hubby, the usual.

What were you doing a year ago?

random thoughts

It’s Fall Fest, Y’all!

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Today is a great day! At Salem College (my alma mater) there is a perfect day of fun and games and some healthy competition. There is a day of cancelled classes, singing, dancing, acting and showing off awesomeness. There is a day of cheers and chants, skits, songs, and camaraderie. There is a day of sisterhood.

Today is that day. This Wednesday in September. This chilly morning with an afternoon that will probably be warm. This is the perfect day for the women to show what they have prepared, to wear the t-shirts they designed, to compete with each other while supporting each other, to make some noise, and for seniors, probably shed a few tears.

I’m taking EK to meet up with a few alum friends at the skits tonight. We are wearing shirts from our own Fall Fests, years ago, and we will be thinking of our own skits as we watch these tonight. EK will probably watch for all of 5 minutes, and then get squirmy and want to run around. But I want her to see some women who have worked hard (even if it’s just on a fun, social activity) and are proud of themselves and each other. And also hilarious. For certain, they will be hilarious.

In honor of an incredible college career with incredible women, I celebrate Salem College, I celebrate fall, and I celebrate the women I loved then and love now. Sisterhood strong, girls. Sisterhood strong.

Our first Fall Fest!
Our first Fall Fest!
Our pop-art version of President Thrift.
Our pop-art version of President Thrift.
I think we were going for "Like a Virgin".
I think we were going for “Like a Virgin”.
Junior year - Asian Invasion
Junior year – Asian Invasion
Our Chinese dragon - Ralph?
Our Chinese dragon – Ralph?
My Little Sis, Sydney
My Little Sis, Sydney
Senior Year Fall Fest Kick-Off (Back in Black, obviously.)
Senior Year Fall Fest Kick-Off (Back in Black, obviously.)
Come Together. Welcome to the 60s.
Come Together. Welcome to the 60s.
faith, mommyhood, random thoughts

Currently.

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What my days look like. See "wishing".
What my days look like. See “wishing”.

Here is my second Currently. post to link up with A Mama Collective and When At Home! I love being able to connect with so many awesome writers and believers and thinkers and doers. Y’all are really, really wonderful.

I am currently:

thinking about my family. Not just Hubby and the kids, but also my parents, my grandparents (of which I have only one living, but three dearly loved and missed), my great grandparents (two of whom I knew well), my brother, my aunts and uncles and cousins… We have a circle of love and support, a tight bond that can only be forged by doing life together. Living so far away from them and missing things and coming home not as often as I thought I would has only made me think more about spending intentional time with them, wherever it is spent.

reading Dragonfly in Amber. It’s the second book in the Outlander series. My mom and one of my best friends (and 947204275 other women) read these when they came out, and I am just now reading them for the first time – partially because now that Starz is making a series about them, I want to SEE it, not just read it! So far, I’m a third of the way in, and it’s a little more slow-going than Outlander was, but I’m still in it to win it.

eating banana bread and macarons. I am in the middle of finding all the banana bread recipes I can, and make them healthier without losing their yum factor. Also, on the subject of macarons, my best friend Lauren is in a macaron-making swing, so naturally I’m on the helping and receiving side of that. Let me not complain!

loving this fall weather. NC hasn’t seen as much fall yet as some more northern states have I suppose, but it’s definitely cooling off a little, and I’m seeing a few yellow and orange leaves. Also, the temperature drop has really helped my running (read: I’m not as miserable doing it) because I tire less easily and I pick up the pace when I’m not sweating into my eyes and stopping to take a drink every 12 feet.

wishing my sweet daughter would extend her sweetness to her brother. Every time he gets near her, there’s a squeal almost at the pitch that only dogs can hear. And he adores her. I just want her to tolerate him a little, ya know?

watching all of those lovely shows I’ve been missing all summer. The shows Hubby and I are excited to start again include Modern Family, New Girl, Once Upon a Time, Parks and Recreation (SO SAD it’s on it’s last season!), Grimm, and 30 Rock.

listening to Citipointe Live. They’re an Australian Hillsong-like group that writes tons of worship music. A friend recommended them to me for possible new worship songs for church, and I was happy to listen to several great tunes to share with the worship team!

anticipating fall and winter and CHRISTMAS! I know, Halloween isn’t even here yet, but fall/winter weather and holidays are my favorite (yes, Hubby and I both have birthdays in there) and Advent through Christmas is by far my favorite few weeks of the year.

thankful for my incredible Hubby. When he found out that my grandmother had passed and I needed to get to GA, he cancelled his weekend, helped make a plan and pack, drove all the way here, and has done everything he can for the past few days to make my life a little less stressful. He is the biggest supporter and encourager I have, and I don’t know where I’d be without him. Love you, babe.

There ya have it – what’s happening with me Currently. in a nutshell. What are you doing currently?

faith, My Big Jesus, random thoughts, Uncategorized

I’m Getting to That Age, I Guess.

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…that age where your grandparents are old. Really old. I’m 28, so my grandparents are in their late 80s and early 90s. They have ailments. They move more slowly. They do fewer things. And then, the inevitable happens. They get a disease – for some, it’s cancer. For others, like my dad’s mom, it’s Alzheimer’s. They deteriorate. They lose parts of themselves. In an Alzheimer’s case, they can become someone totally different than the person you knew.

In the span of 11 months, I’ve lost two grandparents. My mom’s father passed last November, completely unexpectedly. I don’t know whether that’s better or worse than the months or years of deterioration that can prepare your heart and your head for the end result. In a way, it’s merciful. There’s little suffering, few tears cried on the front side, and less burden of who will take care of the person or where they will live when they need around-the-clock care, and (yes it’s cold, but a very real problem) who will pay for it. But on the other hand, he was way too young, too healthy, too close to us to say goodbye right then. And the fact that he was visiting me in North Carolina at the time instead of home in Georgia when he passed? That was brutal.

My dad’s mom, on the other hand, passed away on Thursday after almost ten years of physical and mental degeneration. Before that, she had showed signs of Alzheimer’s and we knew it ran in her family, but the passing of her husband in 2005 just unhinged her. Her doctor has been saying for several years that it could be days, or months, or years; we wouldn’t know. But what we did know was that her essence has been gone for a while. She hasn’t recognized me any of the last six times I’ve seen her, until I introduce myself. She thought my brother was my dad, thought my dad was her husband, and never even met my 8 month old son.

In spite of the past 11 months, I’m glad that I had so much time with all four of my grandparents. I even knew two (well, technically three, but only barely) of my great-grandparents. I’m luckier than many. But it also disillusioned me – those people are supposed to be there to witness my entire life, not just part of it, right? They’re supposed to see graduations and weddings and births and my kids’ milestones as well!

And there’s where I get happy. My grandparents are seeing those things. They’re seeing my kids, all day every day. They’re watching from Heaven, where they are way happier and whole and healthy. New bodies, new minds, and in a paradise better than any place on earth.

mommyhood, music, random thoughts

Currently

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I’m an avid reader of Kristen’s, over at When At Home. This week, she co-hosted a link party, and we are all sharing what is going on with us currently. I am currently:

thinking about my new role as stay at home mom. I’ve always been the one who worked all day (teaching) and now I’m all of a sudden not the money maker, the worker, or the go-outside-the-house-and-do-things-er. I am reinventing my schedule, my perspective, my identity aside from a job.

listening to a lot of Jesus Culture and Bethel, trying to add some new songs to my worship set lists. I love their hearts, their leading ladies and the versatility of their songs. Mmmm, so good.

reading the Outlander series – specifically, I’m still in the first book. I had friends and family members who had read them ages ago, and have raved about them for years. Now that the tv series is coming out, I figured it was time.

thankful for the stages of life that my kids are in. EK is becoming more and more independent (and curious and brave and insolent, haha) every day. J is really mommyfied (I think my mom coined this term, for me at least) but it’s actually sweet most of the time.

photographing my kids, all day every day. Well, not that much. But they are easily the cutest thing I see all day, and they change so quickly, and do new cool things so often that I feel like I need to document it!

There ya have it! Check out When At Home because I love it and you will, too. And while you’re here, tell me what you’re up to lately!

faith, My Big Jesus, random thoughts

Do You Know a Robin Williams?

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I read an article by Jeff Gissing this morning on MyBigJesus.com that was my favorite thing I’ve read since we heard that Robin Williams took his own life. It’s short, so no excuses not to read it.  The idea is simple – depression sucks, and it isn’t our job to judge people who deal with it different ways. The last line, “let’s ask God to soften our hearts toward those who suffer.” really spoke to me. How often are we quick to make a judgment or an assumption about someone? How often to we make a generalization without knowing the facts?

I’m sure I know people who struggle with depression and don’t tell me. I’m sure there are people in my life who have battled it and battled it some more. In ignorance I’ve probably made a judgment I shouldn’t have; I am also to blame. Yes, there are meds for depression. No, they don’t work for every person in every situation. Yes, there are other ways to deal with it. No, those don’t always work either. But I also know that there are people willing to help. There are places you can go, people you can call, and One who always desires to help and be there for His children.

I will not say that there is a perfect cure, or that a solution can always be found. I know that isn’t the case. But I also know that if you aren’t looking for help, you will rarely find it. So take the first step. If you know someone who struggles with depression, or other mental illness, help them take the first step. I know that if someone I loved was struggling, I would want to help them. I would reach out and take the step for them, if possible.

So throw no stones, pass no judgment. It’s unfortunate that celebrities get the worst of our scrutiny simply because their lives are all over the media for us to see. But we don’t know the details, the length of the struggle, the depth of the depression. We can only offer to help fight the battle, and honor the lives of those whose battle is over.

home, mommyhood, random thoughts

Things That Make My Life Easier: Volume I

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I think that this may lead to another post or two of similar content, hence the open ended “Volume I” title. But as of today, here are four things that I’m ever-so-grateful for, because they make my life easier.

The dishwasher. I can’t believe Hubby doesn’t use ours half the time! I think he finds some weird gratification from hand washing things. But I say anything that is allowed in there gets stuffed in every chance I get. Sometimes we run more than one load of dishes a day (so many bottles and sippy cups and utensils).

Anyone else feel this way?
Anyone else feel this way?

My breast pump (I have a Medela In-Style). This is a double-edged sword. In a way, it helps me keep up my milk production and makes me feel better (J is a lazy nurser, and EK stopped nursing at 5 weeks but breastfed till 6 months), but on the other hand, it’s a pain in the butt sometimes, I’m stuck in one chair for 25 minutes, I have to be careful how I move, and I can’t really take care of two kids while I’m doing it. But then again, I love that J gets more of that nutrition because I’ve pumped it.

My view during my planning period every day after I came back from maternity leave: work laptop, breakfast, breast pump.
My view during my planning period every day after I came back from maternity leave: work laptop, breakfast, breast pump.

Diapers.com. This website (and its sister sites, Soap.com, etc) can send you anything you can possibly need. Two-day delivery is free if you order $49+ (and let’s face it, you almost always need that much, or you can stock up on whatever it is by ordering 2 of them to bump over $49 easily). They always have the brands I need and the prices aren’t more than they are in the stores. Also, they sometimes have e-coupons you can apply to things like diapers and wipes, or on Soap.com, toilet paper and toothpaste. Most days (okay fine, every day) it’s easier for me to get on the computer and order diapers than pack up both kids for a trip to the store.

Best catchphrase ever.
Best catchphrase ever.

The Boba. I have a magical baby carrier called the Boba 4G (in Tweet, because it’s cute and gender friendly). It holds my toddler, and she loves it. It holds my 7 month old (and has for almost 7 months) and he loves it. It fits me, and it fits Hubby. It goes on the front or the back. It’s extremely user-friendly. IT IS A LIFE SAVER IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. (See my posts from NYC and you will learn more about just how useful it is.) Babywearing is my favorite.

EK loves riding on my back. "Back, ma! Back, ma!"
EK loves riding on my back. “Back, ma! Back, ma!”

What are some things that make your life easier? Do you have a suggestion for me?  I’m always looking for “life hacks”!

faith, mommyhood, random thoughts

How It Looks From Here

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I got an interesting comment the other morning. The person said, “I’ve just been reading your blog. Final verdict: parenthood sounds hard.” It was in the middle of a good-natured comment from an old friend, but still took me a little off guard. My first reaction is “Duh! An hour at my house is the only birth control you’ll ever need!” But then, I wondered if I hadn’t been portraying my life the right way. Am I posting too many things that are frustrating or annoying or hard or sad? Should I be glossing over those difficult parts and highlighting only the good? I don’t want anyone to think I have an unusually difficult time with my kids. But I don’t want you to think I have an unusually easy time, either. I just want to be real. Encouraging, but real. (My thoughts on that a little more in depth here.)

Parenthood can look like all sorts of things at different times, different seasons, and to different people. Motherhood can look wonderful. It can look hectic. It can look easy. It can look good, bad, crazy, scary, or sad, depending on the moment. There are times full of snuggles and smiles and eating all the food on their plate and going to bed on time. There are times of skipping naps, toddler tantrums, picky eating, snotty noses, poop-splosions (read about those here) and breaking down to cry. It’s ridiculous how quickly you can go from thinking, “Awesome! I’m doing it! This is great!” to “I can’t wait for Hubby to get home so I can sit down.” or “When does school start back, again?”

In the moments when my toddler has finally fallen asleep, and I’m still laying in her bed, spooning her, for fear she’ll wake up if I move, I drink in the snuggles. I thank God for the moments like this, when she turns back into a baby again, blanket in her mouth (gross, I know) and face softened to chubby cheeks and eyelashes. And maybe I cry a little bit, because I yelled when I shouldn’t have, or I had to harp on her too many times to share with her brother, or I simply was so busy with work and errands that I barely saw her until bedtime. Finding the grace to forgive yourself isn’t easy when you feel like you didn’t do the best you could possibly do. But you know what? I always make time for smooches and snuggles and she’s always fed and rested and clean. If those things are true, my day wasn’t a complete fail.

Sometimes, when one or both of the babes has gotten up in the night, I’m a zombie, and several cups of coffee don’t seem to be giving me the boost I need, we park it in front of the tv for longer than I’d like to admit. We eat whatever is the easiest thing to scrounge up for our meals and snacks, or we pile in the car and get drive-thru burgers and fries. I do no laundry, no dishes, and the only thing I clean is baby bottoms. Talk about the mom version of an under achiever, right? But those days aren’t the norm. They aren’t even common. But sometimes they are necessary to a tired family. When we all take naps on the couch watching some awful Netflix movie like Turtle Tale, it’s not likely I’ll complain that much. Sometimes those are the days that bedtimes come a little easier and less crying jags happen. On days when I “accomplish a lot”, I’ve been vacuuming instead of playing, and there are groceries in the fridge because I lugged my kids through the grocery store… Those are sometimes the ones that there are more frustrating than rewarding.

But what’s the formula here? Is there a way to ensure that my kids have a great day every day, and sleep well every night? I bet not. I bet there isn’t even a formula to ensure that they don’t have a good day and don’t sleep well. I just do the best I can; I love on them, try to teach them right from wrong, feed them (as healthily as I can), help them get rest (even if it means napping with them), foster learning and love of learning (whenever possible), bathe them (sometimes more than once a day), and pray for them. I don’t know how it looks from the outside. Maybe it looks hard to you, or maybe it looks fun! Maybe it looks rewarding, or like something you aren’t ready for right now. All those answers can be the right one.  It’s looked like all of those things from the inside, too. But from where I sit, the mama of two adorable (however crazy) kiddos, I have a blessed life, and I try to bless those kids in return. It’s looking pretty sweet to me.