Tag Archives: life

What I Was Doing Last Year

September 25, 2014 Only Hsuman 4 Comments

Last year in late September, I was expecting a baby boy to come in a couple of months. I was working, exhausted all the while, on a Christmas program, because everyone knows you need months for that. I was learning to lead worship on my own. I was beginning to feel the terrible twos coming on for my daughter (yes, several months early) while I tried to get the quality time in before her sibling arrived. I was rearranging my home, in anticipation. I was planning visits and trips before it would be harder to travel.

But this year? I’ve got two amazing, busy kids. I’ve got a husband who I appreciate and love more every single day. I’ve lost two family grandparents, but gained a niece and a nephew. I’m looking forward to my 10-year high school reunion this weekend, and reconnecting with old friends. I’m gaining more confidence in my new roles, and not mourning the old ones that I’ve moved on from. I’d say I’m doing well.

Another thing I’m doing is looking ahead (possibly way ahead) to needing more space for a bigger family (read: we are not currently pregnant). We’d like to have another child. But even if we don’t, I hear that the bigger kids are, the more space they need. And right now, every closet is full, every corner has something in it, and my kids have full roam of our home. We love our house. We’ve been here for four wonderful years. We’ve rearranged a hundred times, redecorated rooms, moved kids around, added and taken away furniture and in general changed up the feng shui.

One of my absolute favorite spots in our home. I'm sitting at the kitchen counter. — One of my absolute favorite spots in our home. I’m sitting at the kitchen counter.

But it’s time for something more. An addition, perhaps, of another bed and bath. Or a move, to a different home. We haven’t decided. We are early in the process. But our hearts are excited and mourning at the same time. Hubby and I have conversation after conversation, discussing what the best options are. We’ve met with our real estate agent who sold us our current home, seen a few houses, and even found one we think we could love. We’ve also met with a friend who does additions and renovations, discussing options if we decided to stay. It’s an overwhelming idea, whichever one we choose.

So that’s what’s happening with me right now that’s different from last year. I’d say it’s a good place to be one year later. You know, other than working my job, raising my kids, adoring my Hubby, the usual.

What were you doing a year ago?

random thoughts

It’s Fall Fest, Y’all!

September 24, 2014 Only Hsuman 2 Comments

Today is a great day! At Salem College (my alma mater) there is a perfect day of fun and games and some healthy competition. There is a day of cancelled classes, singing, dancing, acting and showing off awesomeness. There is a day of cheers and chants, skits, songs, and camaraderie. There is a day of sisterhood.

Today is that day. This Wednesday in September. This chilly morning with an afternoon that will probably be warm. This is the perfect day for the women to show what they have prepared, to wear the t-shirts they designed, to compete with each other while supporting each other, to make some noise, and for seniors, probably shed a few tears.

I’m taking EK to meet up with a few alum friends at the skits tonight. We are wearing shirts from our own Fall Fests, years ago, and we will be thinking of our own skits as we watch these tonight. EK will probably watch for all of 5 minutes, and then get squirmy and want to run around. But I want her to see some women who have worked hard (even if it’s just on a fun, social activity) and are proud of themselves and each other. And also hilarious. For certain, they will be hilarious.

In honor of an incredible college career with incredible women, I celebrate Salem College, I celebrate fall, and I celebrate the women I loved then and love now. Sisterhood strong, girls. Sisterhood strong.

Our pop-art version of President Thrift.

I think we were going for "Like a Virgin". — I think we were going for “Like a Virgin”.

Junior year - Asian Invasion — Junior year – Asian Invasion

Our Chinese dragon - Ralph? — Our Chinese dragon – Ralph?

Senior Year Fall Fest Kick-Off (Back in Black, obviously.)

faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

She Loves You (Yeah Yeah Yeah!)

September 22, 2014 Only Hsuman Leave a comment

With kids, everything happens in stages. Stages of waking up every few hours, and stages of sleeping through the night. Stages of independence, and stages of debilitating neediness. Stages of picky eating, and stages of so hungry they’ll eat sidewalk chalk after a three course meal. These stages – seasons, I like to call them – go by alarmingly fast sometimes.

Recently EK has entered into a season of snuggling, hugging and kissing. Voluntarily showing love, basically. It’s particularly merciful because this season is on the heels of a difficult season of not wanting to sit still enough to snuggle, yet screaming and crying if we left her for even a moment. But she has (for the time being) moved on to confidently knowing we’ll come back, and giving us smooches for the road.

For instance, the other evening I was leaving to go to a birthday party, and left the kids with a friend. When I announced that I was leaving, told her I loved her, and turned toward the door, she ran over to me saying, “Hug! Hug!” So of course I picked her up, and she said, “Bye bye mama. I miss you.” Talk about melting a mama’s heart. I mean, seriously… when I pick her up to hug her these days, she snuggles my neck, pats my back and strokes my hair! It’s truly a Pat yourself on the back, you good parent, you! sort of thing. The gestures of love she’s received from Hubby and me are being given back to us. She has so internalized our love and the way we show it that she is giving that love back out.

What if we, as children of God, took the gestures of love shown to us by the Father, and gave it back to Him? Or better yet, passed it on to others? The Heavenly Father gave up his only son for you. And me. And our families. And old folks in nursing homes. And inner city children. And celebrities. And sleazy politicians. And murderers and thieves. He loves us (all of us!) that much. As much as I love my children (a ludicrous amount), it’s only a fraction of the love God has for me. If we take even a portion of the love and blessing we’ve received from the Father, and multiply it by passing it on? That’s Kingdom business.

food, health and fitness, home, mommyhood

A Nearly Perfect Day

September 20, 2014 Only Hsuman 5 Comments

Obviously, there is no such thing as the perfect day. There is no 24-hour time span that goes exactly how you’d like it to, or exactly as you planned. However, there are days, from wake up to bed time, that seem to go pretty darn well. This is one of those days.

When I got up this morning, it was to the sound of J fussing (he had probably started out talking, but I was too asleep to hear it) and EK running around (she’s taken to not visiting me before she visits her toys). Hubby had a gig last night, so I let him snooze. I fed the kids breakfast, while putting on my running gear one piece at a time in between bites… EK’s toast in the oven, one sock. A few bites of fruit for J, the other sock. Grapes washed and given to EK, the sports bra is on. You get the point. Finally, everyone was fed, packed in the stroller, and we were off for one of my favorite things: a long, cool, morning run. This 10-degree cool off in the weather has been a saving grace for my running skills. Ain’t nobody got time for an Indian summer.

Recently, I’ve been running to the grocery store in the mornings. There are several reasons for this, not the least of which is that it gives me a bathroom break. It gives EK a chance to get out and walk around, and there’s always at least one thing that I discover we are out of, or I am randomly craving. So we run to the grocery store. I usually take a 2-mile route to get there, shop it up for 15-20 minutes, and then run a (different) 2-mile route home. It’s a nice process, I think. Anyway…

I can’t believe we forgot something… There’s no room for anything else!

We get home, and two of my girlfriends come over for homemade pumpkin spice lattes. I came across this amazing-sounding recipe (check it out here, from Mama Natural) and the girls said they wanted to try it. So we spent an hour and a half making our lattes and chatting. Super nice. During this time, J went down for a morning nap and Hubby woke up, so life continued in the Hsu house as normal.

Hubby and I got to thinking about EK’s room, and how it’s oddly put together. When we put her in there, we weren’t sure how sleeping in a “big girl bed” was going to go. It’s a full size bed, and now she’s used to it, so we decided to make it look nicer (perk: deep clean the room in the process). We rearranged her furniture and vacuumed, dusted, etc. It’s adorable, functional, and she loves it. Win.

J woke up, and EK wanted to try out her new bed placement, so we swapped them out. While she was sleeping, we ate a stellar take out lunch (Vietnamese pho – a revelation), we ushered Hubby off to work with smooches and waves, and J let me take a shower without crying a lot (thanks, little guy!). I call that a productive two hours.

EK woke up, and J was ready to nap round 2. While he was asleep, EK and I got some quality time together baking. We made pumpkin muffins and banana bread (both clean recipes, check them out here and here). Both turned out well… muffins stuck to their cups a little but tasted delicious, and the banana bread was perfect, as usual. That recipe is bangarang.

clean pumpkin muffins and banana bread – here’s to a healthy week!

When J woke up, I packed up my sweeties and headed downtown to meet some family and friends at the Texas Pete Culinary Arts Festival. For those of you not from around here, Texas Pete is our local hot sauce, and the festival invited all the best restaurants in town to have booths of Texas Pete-inspired dishes. Also there was beer, served especially by our sweet friend Aida. So basically, it was a great evening of yummy food and great friends, adults and babies alike. My sister-in-law Holly and her son Finley were there, as well as a long-time church friend Abby and her little girl, Elliott. Having time with girlfriends and their babies really is the best of both worlds.

When we headed home, there was a mini-meltdown moment, spurred on by the fact that I forgot I needed gas in my car (come on, Mom! Rookie mistake!) but we made it home, had a quick bath time, and both kids were out by 8:30. I call that a great day. Everyone got the play and the rest and the snuggles and the exercise they needed. There wasn’t a sacred Double Nap but there was one-on-one time for me with both kiddos, and sometimes that’s hard to come by.

J and me with Abby and Elliott (they’re gonna get married)

So here’s your encouragement: despite the meltdowns, despite the fact you forgot something at the store yesterday, and despite the fact that you’re on your own with those beasts all day, make the best of it. Look for the fun and the good, and don’t worry that you didn’t do laundry or dishes. You had fun. So did they. No one missed anything. Praise the Lord.

faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus, teaching

I have no “back to school”.

September 18, 2014 Only Hsuman 2 Comments

But isn't it nice that I'm with this gal all day? — But isn’t it nice that I’m with this gal all day?

It’s fall. The weather is cooling off (thankfully), the pumpkins are out in front of every grocery store, Halloween decorations are popping up everywhere, and all I hear on the radio is that the stupid fair is coming soon. My daughter has started preschool. Church activities have been going for weeks. But something feels… weird.

It’s the first time in my life that I haven’t gone “back to school”. When I graduated high school, I went to college. When I graduated college, I taught middle school chorus for three years, then elementary school music for three more years. And here I am. Not back to school.

I’m not regretting this decision at all. I am happy to be working part-time at my amazing church, and spending the bulk of my time loving my children and my husband well. But still, as I am settling into a schedule (mostly by force – I need that routine!) I still have so much unstructured time. I’m used to cramming my lunch in 18 minutes, multi-tasking like a boss, holding my bladder for an abnormally long time, and changing what I’m teaching (read: living, breathing, doing, thinking about) every 40 minutes – and often sooner than that.

But you know what else I was used to? Being drained at 3:00pm. Working some nights after working all day. Thinking about the needs, wants, thoughts, and jibes of hundreds of children that weren’t mine. Missing my own children all day while I was off taking care of someone else’s. Feeling bad that I had nothing left for my family after I’d spent myself on my job.

That last one was my kicker. Because truly, I enjoy working. I love having a schedule (there it is again), having a reason to leave the house every day, and sowing into something outside my home and family. I love teaching, and the opportunities the job gave me to really love on some kids who needed it. I love instilling knowledge and love of music into kids who need something at school for be good at, when math and reading don’t come easily. But for right now, Hubby and my own kids are what I need to focus on.

I respect you, working moms – especially teaching moms, because I have been among your ranks, in those trenches with you. But I am incredibly grateful that I could make the decision to leave you for a while. I’ll return, but right now, I’m thinking of you as a wrangle my ridiculously strong son into his clothes for the day, make several breakfasts and eat whatever the kids don’t, and microwave my coffee for the third time. I’m thinking of you, because I know many of you are happily at jobs you love, knowing your kids are happy in their schools and day cares or with daddies and nannies. I’m thinking of you, also, if you’re wishing you were doing what I’m doing but it’s not possible. While it’s weird that I’m not back to school, I choose to rest in the unstructured craziness and enjoy it.

faith, mommyhood, random thoughts

Currently.

September 15, 2014 Only Hsuman 4 Comments

What my days look like. See "wishing". — What my days look like. See “wishing”.

Here is my second Currently. post to link up with A Mama Collective and When At Home! I love being able to connect with so many awesome writers and believers and thinkers and doers. Y’all are really, really wonderful.

I am currently:

thinking about my family. Not just Hubby and the kids, but also my parents, my grandparents (of which I have only one living, but three dearly loved and missed), my great grandparents (two of whom I knew well), my brother, my aunts and uncles and cousins… We have a circle of love and support, a tight bond that can only be forged by doing life together. Living so far away from them and missing things and coming home not as often as I thought I would has only made me think more about spending intentional time with them, wherever it is spent.

reading Dragonfly in Amber. It’s the second book in the Outlander series. My mom and one of my best friends (and 947204275 other women) read these when they came out, and I am just now reading them for the first time – partially because now that Starz is making a series about them, I want to SEE it, not just read it! So far, I’m a third of the way in, and it’s a little more slow-going than Outlander was, but I’m still in it to win it.

eating banana bread and macarons. I am in the middle of finding all the banana bread recipes I can, and make them healthier without losing their yum factor. Also, on the subject of macarons, my best friend Lauren is in a macaron-making swing, so naturally I’m on the helping and receiving side of that. Let me not complain!

loving this fall weather. NC hasn’t seen as much fall yet as some more northern states have I suppose, but it’s definitely cooling off a little, and I’m seeing a few yellow and orange leaves. Also, the temperature drop has really helped my running (read: I’m not as miserable doing it) because I tire less easily and I pick up the pace when I’m not sweating into my eyes and stopping to take a drink every 12 feet.

wishing my sweet daughter would extend her sweetness to her brother. Every time he gets near her, there’s a squeal almost at the pitch that only dogs can hear. And he adores her. I just want her to tolerate him a little, ya know?

watching all of those lovely shows I’ve been missing all summer. The shows Hubby and I are excited to start again include Modern Family, New Girl, Once Upon a Time, Parks and Recreation (SO SAD it’s on it’s last season!), Grimm, and 30 Rock.

listening to Citipointe Live. They’re an Australian Hillsong-like group that writes tons of worship music. A friend recommended them to me for possible new worship songs for church, and I was happy to listen to several great tunes to share with the worship team!

anticipating fall and winter and CHRISTMAS! I know, Halloween isn’t even here yet, but fall/winter weather and holidays are my favorite (yes, Hubby and I both have birthdays in there) and Advent through Christmas is by far my favorite few weeks of the year.

thankful for my incredible Hubby. When he found out that my grandmother had passed and I needed to get to GA, he cancelled his weekend, helped make a plan and pack, drove all the way here, and has done everything he can for the past few days to make my life a little less stressful. He is the biggest supporter and encourager I have, and I don’t know where I’d be without him. Love you, babe.

There ya have it – what’s happening with me Currently. in a nutshell. What are you doing currently?

faith, My Big Jesus, random thoughts, Uncategorized

I’m Getting to That Age, I Guess.

September 15, 2014 Only Hsuman Leave a comment

…that age where your grandparents are old. Really old. I’m 28, so my grandparents are in their late 80s and early 90s. They have ailments. They move more slowly. They do fewer things. And then, the inevitable happens. They get a disease – for some, it’s cancer. For others, like my dad’s mom, it’s Alzheimer’s. They deteriorate. They lose parts of themselves. In an Alzheimer’s case, they can become someone totally different than the person you knew.

In the span of 11 months, I’ve lost two grandparents. My mom’s father passed last November, completely unexpectedly. I don’t know whether that’s better or worse than the months or years of deterioration that can prepare your heart and your head for the end result. In a way, it’s merciful. There’s little suffering, few tears cried on the front side, and less burden of who will take care of the person or where they will live when they need around-the-clock care, and (yes it’s cold, but a very real problem) who will pay for it. But on the other hand, he was way too young, too healthy, too close to us to say goodbye right then. And the fact that he was visiting me in North Carolina at the time instead of home in Georgia when he passed? That was brutal.

My dad’s mom, on the other hand, passed away on Thursday after almost ten years of physical and mental degeneration. Before that, she had showed signs of Alzheimer’s and we knew it ran in her family, but the passing of her husband in 2005 just unhinged her. Her doctor has been saying for several years that it could be days, or months, or years; we wouldn’t know. But what we did know was that her essence has been gone for a while. She hasn’t recognized me any of the last six times I’ve seen her, until I introduce myself. She thought my brother was my dad, thought my dad was her husband, and never even met my 8 month old son.

In spite of the past 11 months, I’m glad that I had so much time with all four of my grandparents. I even knew two (well, technically three, but only barely) of my great-grandparents. I’m luckier than many. But it also disillusioned me – those people are supposed to be there to witness my entire life, not just part of it, right? They’re supposed to see graduations and weddings and births and my kids’ milestones as well!

And there’s where I get happy. My grandparents are seeing those things. They’re seeing my kids, all day every day. They’re watching from Heaven, where they are way happier and whole and healthy. New bodies, new minds, and in a paradise better than any place on earth.

faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

Looking for Patience and Grace

September 8, 2014 Only Hsuman 1 Comment

This post appeared on MyBigJesus.com

I’m constantly reminding myself to chill out. I’m always noticing a pan that didn’t get washed well enough, or seeing that J’s third shirt (of the morning) is dirty, or remembering something I forgot to do, or… you get the point. I immediately want to freak out at these things. My life is full of messes I can’t clean up and accidents I can’t prevent. O ye of little patience, I am your leader.

Being a parent, a wife, a human, is a lesson in patience for me. Being a teacher for six years was as well. I’m all about some deep breathing, counting to ten, and clasping my hands very tightly in my lap. Patience is the biggest thing for which I’m constantly asking God. Sure, I say it different ways: “Help me get through this traffic without succumbing to my Atlanta-bred road rage!” or “Help me not to yell at EK for spilling the sunflower seeds all over the floor because I know she didn’t mean to.” I come by it honestly; I can be high-strung and short-tempered (just like my parents – sorry, Mom and Dad). Hubby is a saint for putting up with me. But I don’t want my kids to grow up afraid of me because I lurch quickly into frustration. I don’t want them to have memories of me flying off the handle over small stuff. But how exactly do I extend the patience and grace that have been extended to me?

Hubby is a wonderful example for me in patience. When I said he’s a saint, I was serious. He is able to absorb my craziness and let it go. He shows me endless support, patience and grace for my quick temper and my OCD nature. I see his patience with the kids and with me, and I know I can try harder to give others (okay fine, my kids) a little more grace.

I don’t have it perfected yet by any means, but I start by repairing my thought life. Toxic thoughts just multiply unless I change them. Changing the way I think changes the way I react. Changing the way I react changes how I feel. Often, if I have no patience in a situation, I notice it immediately, and then I get angry with myself for having no patience! It’s a vicious cycle if left alone. However, if I can wait, change the way I’m thinking – extend a little grace and a little patience – it makes all the difference in the world. When I feel like I have no patience or grace to give, I sit back for a moment, and draw from the boundless stores we’re blessed with every moment of every day.

mommyhood

I Had a Meltdown

September 4, 2014 Only Hsuman Leave a comment

The other day, Hubby and I needed to run some errands. EK had been sick, so we hadn’t left the house very much, and if we had, she hadn’t gone with us. We needed a nice family outing to make us feel like we weren’t such homebodies.

We went out to lunch, and headed to Target. When we got there, EK was asleep (her schedule was totally thrown off while she was sick, and we haven’t straightened it out yet) so I ran in and left Hubby in the car with the kids. I wasn’t THAT long, but when I got back in, she was awake – aka not a long enough nap.

Next we hit Babies R Us (right across the street). I only needed one item, so I just ran in, grabbed it, (paid for it, obviously) and ran out. Super short. When I got outside, Hubby said J had been crying, so he didn’t want to get them out of their seats, so he was standing at J’s door entertaining him. When we got back in the car and started moving, he was alright.

At Lowe’s, Hubby ran in to get one thing. I could tell they were getting restless, but I thought we were done, so I just turned up the radio and tried to entertain them by singing along. It kinda worked.

Hubby got back and headed to the music store. I should have know to just get the kids out, but he said he just needed one quick thing (I also should’ve known that there’s no such thing as “one quick thing” at a music store). The longer we sat (with the AC on, of course) the worse it got. J was really sick of being in his seat, and every time he cried, EK cried. That phenomenon is BRUTAL and pointless. What is she trying to accomplish by crying when he cries, anyway? I know him crying and not being able to stop it is annoying. You don’t have to tell me. But when you start, also? That’s just ridiculous. Keep it together, girl.

But she didn’t keep it together. And neither did J. So I got out, got the kids out, and walked in the store. Of course, Hubby is just strolling, looking at something or other. He sees us, and goes to the register, where he’s already down everything he was going to buy. COME ON DAD! We are tired and hot and need a change of location from Mom’s TINY CAMRY. Let’s go.

Once I start putting J in his seat, he’s done for. He knows it’s time for him to eat and nap and he is pissed. Like I said, I should’ve known better. He wails all the way home. EK has finally decided that adding to the noise isn’t worth it, and she’s staring out the window trying to forget her life, teenager style. (I’m in trouble later, right?) Finally we get home. Once J is out of his carseat and EK is walking in the house, it’s like there were never any problems. I can’t even explain how weird that is to me. I wanted to be in the house, but even when I got in, I considered bursting into tears because I was so relieved and tired and frustrated and hot and wishing I could blame my crazy on hormones – I’m 8 months post-partum… does it still count?

Being in the car with two crying kiddos is my hell. Seriously. If anyone wants to make me miserable, that’s the way. Knowing there’s nothing you can do to help said kiddos is just the icing on the cake.

Have you ever had the moment where you’re at the tipping point? Wishing you could just call it and teleport to the beach, or a remote cabin in the woods? How do you cope in the moment?

mommyhood

A Helpless Letter to My Sick Kids

August 30, 2014 Only Hsuman Leave a comment

Kids,

As your mama, I’ve been extremely lucky that you’re almost unfailingly healthy. In every manner of the word, you kids have been healthy, never catching colds or stomach bugs, and tirelessly playing and eating like horses. But all at once, I was faced with a situation I hadn’t encountered: not one, but both of you sick at the same time.

At the point when I realized one of you had a cold and the other had a cold plus an upset stomach, I was stumped. I mean, yes, I was concerned with your symptoms and how to treat them and what might be causing them. I was concerned with calling the doctor’s office and whether we had enough children’s Tylenol. I was concerned with the fact that Hubby had to leave to go to work and I was on my own to take care of you.

But more than anything else, I was acutely aware that I, your problem solver, day-saver, and magically-make-it-better hero couldn’t snap my fingers and fix your problem. I’m so accustomed to providing for your needs easily and quickly. Have a wet diaper? Boom! Here’s a fresh one! Hungry? Boom! Here’s a healthy snack! Fall and bump your elbow? Boom! Here’s a kiss, a snuggle and an ice pack! But this time- runny noses, coughs, fevers, one upset tummy, and what can I do? Make a phone call, administer Tylenol, and put a movie on. Oh, you aren’t feeling better yet? Well crap. What do I do now?!

There were copious amounts of snuggles, special allowances (ie: snoozing on the couch an hour before bedtime), stuffed animals and favorite blankets. Noses were wiped (and suctioned, poor little J), tears dried, temperatures taken one more time, and prayers said. I know it has to be hard when your vocabulary doesn’t allow for an explanation of how you feel or what you want/need. You’re inexplicably feeling yucky and Mama, who has always helped you out, hasn’t made you feel any better.

Well, Mama feels just as bad about that as you do, kids. Every tiny cough that didn’t wake you up woke me. Your sniffles kept me awake half the night with concern. Prayers for your fevers were said as I tossed and turned. When you guys woke up, groggy but smiling, at 6:30, I was tired but happy to see smiles under the snotty noses. Because truthfully, I love you. I’m always doing my best to make sure you feel your best and more comfortable. You’re mine and I’m yours, sick and sad or healthy and happy.

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