If you’re a parent, you know what I’m talking about. If you’re a parent who bottle fed, you really know what I’m talking about. Every single item that you use for your kid, bottles, sippy cups, small plates and bowls, tiny, rubbery utensils… they’re all over the place, half of them can’t go in the dishwasher, and they’re always getting down in your sink disposal.

When EK was a baby, we had some trouble nursing, so I exclusively pumped for six months, and we bottle fed her. It was what worked for us, and I don’t regret it (my opinions on this can be discussed later). But I will tell you, that created so. many. dishes. Between the breast pump attachments (Medela) and the bottle pieces (Avent, of course), we were nuts. It was no help that she ate approximately every two hours, and I pumped approximately every four, and this schedule went on for what seemed like forever.

Now, EK is two and using all sorts of plates, bowls, sippy cups, “big girl” (short, plastic, fun-colored) cups, plastic utensils and “big girl” (salad) forks. What she is also doing creates a fair amount of dishes as well: throwing parties with alphabet dinners (wooden letter magnets on plates) for several of her invisible buddies, right in the middle of the kitchen floor. This directly affects my number on the “mom’s-freaking-out-o-meter”. We use those kid dishes from Ikea… you know, everything is a different bold color. We love them. She loves them. NO ONE LOVES THEM ALL OVER THE FLOOR.

In addition to EK’s alphabet dinner parties, J is beginning to eat some mashed-up goodness himself. This means that I am adding Beaba baby food maker parts, even tinier spoons, recycled baby food jars, and plastic bibs to my ever-growing list of dishes. This is in addition to the pump accessories and bottle pieces that I am already washing (not as much as with EK, but still some). I might as well throw in the dish towel and keep those awful yellow gloves on my hands 24/7. Palmolive, suck it.

One last thing about these awful dishes (that I’m hating more every word I type): We are constantly losing/throwing away/destroying in the disposal all the little attachments to things. You know what I’m talking about… the rubber piece from the sippy cup that supposedly makes it “not spill”. That little white “membrane” (who named it that, anyway?) that attaches to my breast pump pieces. The blue ring that MUST be in an Avent bottle to prevent the (rare and precious) pumped milk from spilling all over your kid instead of in his mouth. Why can’t we minimize headache and make it all one piece?! Am I alone in my wish for this? I’m going to design a non-spill, two-piece (cup and lid) sippy cup and make MILLIONS.

Now, this doesn’t seem all that bad, right? Just clipping a few fingernails and toenails every once in a while, right? No. Absolutely not. There is no way to describe the magnificent torture that is making sure your babies/kids’ fingernails and toenails are groomed appropriately. Not only do they have to be short, but they also have to be rounded, with no snagged edges or corners. Otherwise, it looks like your kid pissed off Edward Scissorhands.

The jury is still out on the best way to trim these flimsy but sharp daggers on the ends of our sweeties’ fingers and toes. I have friends who bite them off, but that still churns my stomach to think about. They tell me, “You can feel their skin better that way, and it’s easier not to cut them while you’re doing it.” What I hear is, “You put your kid’s fingers/toes in your mouth, bite down really hard, and hope you don’t taste blood.” It’s a bummer that however you do it. I just take a pair of those “Safety 1st” clippers and pray.

You know what else is a bummer? The fact that, like everything else on a baby, those nails grow with supernatural speed. If I want to “grow out my nails” – something I occasionally want to do to prove my femininity – it takes me weeks. EK and J both seem to need their nails cut every three days. (Note: It’s possible that part of the reason for the too-often need to cut their nails stems from the fact that I can never seem to cut all twenty in one sitting.) I should probably do EK’s about that often, because nowadays it seems there is always gunk underneath them: dirt, food, and ????

If I can manage it, I pass the job of nail cutting to someone else. Grandparents, Hubby, and probably strangers do a better job than I do at keeping those nails groomed. My mom can somehow get the job done if the kid is in a highchair. Why this makes a difference, I’m not sure. I have tried it, and I still have the same amount of success I would if they were on a roller coaster. Maybe they can tell how nervous I am?

Do you have tips on how to get my least favorite dirty job done? Powers of distraction or methods to calm, perhaps?