I’m about to be brutally honest, y’all.
I’m struggling to find a balance in my life right now.
I want to live intentionally. I want to be intentional. An intentional Christian. An intentional wife. An intentional mother. An intentional friend. This leaves me floundering in things I want to do and “need” to do to keep relationships up and chores, etc done. I’m finding that I want control in so many areas so that my intentionality shows through. Basically, my OCD is going nuts over making sure every single thing I do has a reason and a good result.
The real result? I’m being so controlling that there is no grace and no room for error. You know who errors a lot? Kids. Husbands. Wives. Friends. People. EVERY SINGLE PERSON. I’m turning into an angry monster when things don’t go my way. (Hormones, much?) I’m realizing that being intentional isn’t the only thing that matters. And if I fail a little at being intentional, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ve achieved the opposite – some sort of willy-nilly disregard for results or consequences.
I need to reign myself in, and let Jesus increase in my life. I’m not leaning on Him enough. I know this to be true, because doing things on my own, I will fail every time. I’m not bringing Him glory by trying to control everything in the name of being intentional. But I could bring Him glory by letting myself decrease, and letting Him increase.
I’m not saying this is easy for me. Actually, it’s one of the more difficult things I’ll ever do. Relinquish control over situations, over life in general? Yeah right. I’m good at organizing and managing. I can handle it, right? Well, I can’t. I’m realizing it more and more every day that I try. I can’t be a graceful parent without receiving the grace the Father has for me. I can’t be a wife who loves her husband unconditionally unless I receive the unconditional love from my heavenly Bridegroom. I can’t be a friend who listens and loves well, unless I am loved and renewed by my Savior and Friend.
Remember my New Year’s Resolution that wasn’t a resolution? To embrace it: life, my situation, whatever “it” was? Well, this is all going to be part of that – make it easier, even. Embrace my situation by relinquishing my control over it, and choosing to see myself, others, and my life the way God does. Seeing the world through His eyes instead of my judgmental, small-minded view could change everything for the better! I’m just taking the very first step in making that change… admitting that I need one.