Monthly Archives: October 2014

faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

Why does it always work out that way?

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As I type this, I’m sitting on my couch, listening to my son fuss. He should be asleep. It’s 7:50pm, and he’s been in the bed for half an hour. The first 20 minutes were silent – and now, as I’m trying to leave the house, he’s awake and fussing to get up and play. He had a big day full of family photos and playing hard. He needs to rest after the craziness of the day. This is the first night in weeks that he hasn’t gone to bed without any trouble. It’s also one of the first nights that I’m trying to go out to a birthday party that started at 7:00. Hubby is working, and my mom is keeping the kids. She and my daughter are happily watching a quick tv show before bed, and my mom simply requested that J be asleep before I left.

Or it should’ve been a simple request.

I’m dressed, purse and keys in hand, hoping this won’t take all night. I’m dying to see my friends while I’m wearing mascara and not wearing yoga pants. Plus, I don’t want to miss the cake – because there has to be cake, right? But here I am, held back by the quiet (getting quieter…) sounds of my still wakeful son. I’ve check on him several times – checking his diaper, patting his back, giving him smooches. And still he fights sleep.

I wonder how often God waits on us… fussing… whining… refusing to just rest. I wonder if He is sitting, on some heavenly leather sofa, waiting for us to come around to the thing we need the most. He’s probably not waiting so that He can go to a party, but waiting because He knows we will be happy when we finally get what we need – Him. When we rest in Him we are refreshed. We are rejuvenated. We are healthier and more whole. But we put up a fight, just like my son is doing now. We think we know what we want, but we forget to listen to the One who knows best.

faith, mommyhood

She’s speaking my language.

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In my women’s small group this morning, we were talking about getting stuck in a performance-driven lifestyle. To be clear, that’s a feeling of needing to be productive, having something to show for your time. It’s a very American ideal, I think. We like to show how much we can squeeze into a day, how many things we can check off a to-do list.

One of the gals was talking about how she gets really frustrated when there’s a lot to do, and she’s not able to get working on it, and get her family on board with working on it. And I totally got it. She was saying she felt like the Lord was teaching her something about “rest” and valuing efficiency and productivity – how her worth was not tied to her performance.

Wow.

First of all, the Lord teaching her about rest? Read my thoughts on that here because I think the Lord’s giving me some new perspective on that as well. But secondly, as a musician (read: perfectionist) I have always been a performance-based person. I’ve been up in front of audiences, wondering what they think, trying to please them. It’s been my education and my job to do so. To hear her speak about not finding her worth in her kids’ behavior, the cleanliness of her home or the extravagance of her cooking… but to find her worth in the unconditional love we receive from our Father? Okay. I’ve been convicted.

How often do I find myself getting frustrated about little things that my kids do? Or how often do I feel guilty because I forgot about the clothes I put in the washer until they needed to be washed again? Worse still, how often do I feel like I have wasted my time during the day because all I feel like I did was change diapers, clean up messes and cut grapes into quarters?

What if we could change our thinking from checking off lists and seeing our progress to one of knowing from the inside out that we are loved, accepted, and treasured by our Creator?

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faith, mommyhood, random thoughts

Getting Out of a Slump

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Recently, I’ve been going in and out of a slump. A gray area. An in between. MAN I hate it. I have a lot on my plate, just being wife, mom, keeping house/laundry/food under control, and keeping up with my part-time church job. Usually, having a lot on my plate makes me productive… I do what I need to do and more. But in the past few weeks, we’ve spent two weekends away from home, added thinking about moving/renovating/etc and I’ve added a few more hours a week to my church job. I love those things; they excite me and they are positive things in my life. But on the other hand, I’m getting a little too overwhelmed. I’ve passed “busy” and am headed towards “drowning”. My response? Take a day where I’m really sad, feeling blue, and don’t do anything. Was that the right response? Probably not.

I did some talking to my sister-in-law (relational clarification: one of my best friends) Holly and our friend Nikki, and we just decided it was normal. Whatever stress or problem or other thing you’re dealing with, it’s normal to have a day or two where you just kinda shut down, press the reset button, and have a kind of culmination of the emotional and physical toll that stress can take on you. Boy, that was good news. My brain had been spinning all afternoon like “Am I depressed?” and “Should I be on anxiety medicine?” but truly I think I just needed a day to shove off my responsibilities (thanks, Hubby!) and do some resting.

I want to be a good mom for my kids… every single day. I want to be a good wife… every single day. I want to be good at everything I do, to spread truth and be a blessing. And I know the only way I’ll accomplish this is to stop trying to do it myself. I am too busy trying to do and do and do to remember to let God work through me, to let him order my steps and speak through me with love and kindness.

It’s a shift in my thinking that I need. To call on God when I start to stress out, or feel low, or lose my temper. To pray without ceasing, as Paul said. To keep God first in my mind, and He can help me through. He created me, and He has ordered my steps to this point. I know He has also given me the tools that I need to do these things He has called me to – I need only to let Him help me.

faith, mommyhood, random thoughts

Currently

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I’m joining Hannah at Joyful Life (her first time hosting!) for the Currently link-up series. I love connecting with y’all, visiting new blogs, hearing from you, and growing community. Join us!

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Thinking about my decision to stay home with my kids this school year. It’s hard – not that I’m surprised – and it’s rewarding. I love it and struggle with it all at the same time. I know that I won’t regret this decision to spend the extra time with them, but it’s also been difficult to find any sort of routine to balance quality time with them, time with Hubby, and time to keep the house, cook, grocery shop, etc. If you’ve got it figured out, send some suggestions my way!

Listening to the sounds of J lolling his tongue around in his mouth. He’s got a lot of “la la la la la” going on!

Doing is a little difficult to tell y’all about without taking all day, but Hubby and I are doing some purging/cleaning/reorganizing/etc in the midst of our deciding whether to stay in our home, renovate/add on, or move. We are praying for major wisdom in this area; we want to make the right decision for our family and for hopefully 10 or 15 years. This is a life move, y’all.

Thankful for the crisp fall weather and the sunshine that’s been accompanying it (for now). The kids and I have been spending a lot of time outside, enjoying the weather. We are also thankful for our deck – it’s a great space to enjoy the sunshine and the breeze!

What are you currently up to?

 

faith, My Big Jesus

When it feels bad.

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This post also appeared on My Big Jesus!

Why is my child crying? Because she wanted to get in the pool. And then she didn't anymore.
Why is my child crying? Because she wanted to get in the pool. And then she didn’t anymore.

Sometimes, I have a day that just goes wrong. The kids wake up WAY too early. I don’t have a minute to drink my coffee before it’s cold. J throws more of his breakfast on the floor than in his mouth. EK fights me putting on shoes for preschool (she wants the too-big dress-up ones). J goes down for his nap late, so I’m late picking EK up from preschool. No one wants the lunch I fixed for them. Hubby forgot to tell me he had plans all evening. Y’all know how it is. You feel like you’re trying, trying hard, at that. But then the more you try to fix things, the worse they get. Finally, you explode. Or you have a breakdown. Or both.

How about a few cliches you don’t want to hear: Don’t sweat the small stuff. You’ll look back on this and laugh. It always seems worse when you’re in the thick of it. Well, those don’t make anyone feel better. Why is it we always wait to ask for help till things are really bad? Why don’t I pray at the first sign of the day going awry, and ask for a change of heart?

Sometimes my pride, my desire for control in a situation prevents me from asking even the One who can help me most. I want to feel like I’m a great mom, so I try to do all the things myself. All. Of. The. Things. And then, when my healthy, baby-friendly muffins burn in the oven, my kids won’t go down for their naps, I miss my work out and we eat fast food for dinner, I feel like a failure. Not just any failure, an enormous failure, as a mom, as a wife, as the shadow of a normally happy, healthy, productive woman.

I forget to think about what went right. For instance, my kids are fed, clean and clothed, they’ve gotten to play and snuggle, and they’ve been loved on. Hubby came home safely, and kissed me when he walked in the door. I didn’t burn the house down and I even took a shower (am I right?!) so the day wasn’t a total waste.

Sometimes I also forget to give credit where it’s due, to thank Jesus for my family, our full (of chicken nuggets) bellies and smiling (from ridiculous exhaustion) faces, our home (a complete mess because we are so blessed with toys and time to play with them) and our love for each other. So I’ve made a resolution. Each day, I will give as many thanks as possible. I will intentionally thank the Lord for every single thing I can think of as I think of it. I will pray these things without ceasing. Gratitude can change a hard heart (guilty), change a sharp tongue (guilty again), and change an entire outlook from dim to bright. I will learn to rest in the gratitude for each blessing in my life. I will let my heart be changed.

mommyhood, siblings

I hope they are friends.

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There are so many directions I could go when I talk about siblings, but I’ll start here: I’m already worried my kids won’t get along.

Actually, let’s not say worried so much as it’s already on my mind. What’s the key to your kids getting along? I know from experience it doesn’t just happen. Here’s the short version of my relationship with my brother: We’re almost 7 years apart, so I remember being an only child. He was cute as a baby, but started bugging me about the time he learned to walk (he followed me around because I was his favorite), and then didn’t stop it for… a long time. We were never in the same stage of life until he was in high school or so. Now that we are both adults, we get along much better, but still argue over stupid stuff sometimes – you know, like who knows more Harry Potter trivia and why it think it’s ridiculous that he would want a CAT of all things. I talk to him on the phone every few days, see him every couple of months, and truly enjoy his company. But did our parents somehow pull us out of the stage in which we just annoyed each other and magically thrust us into mutual appreciation of the other?

Braces and bowl cuts.
Braces and bowl cuts.

On the other hand, Hubby and his brothers have always been close. He says they fought about stuff, but it was only for a few minutes and they would be back to playing and snuggling again (thoughts on those Hsu boys acting like puppies here).

As for my kids, it seems that right now is the stage of J annoying EK ALL OF THE TIME. All he wants to do is be near her, play alongside her, or just watch her. Too bad all of those things make her unnecessarily frustrated. She gets to the point that if he crawls in her direction, she just screams. What is that about?! It just hurts my ears and makes J laugh all the more.

All I did was ask her to sit next to him for a picture.
All I did was ask her to sit next to him for a picture.

I hope that soon, J will catch up a little and be able to play with EK rather than just grab what she’s holding. I hope she will learn to think he’s cute and fun instead of just being jealous and annoyed when he’s in the same room. I hope the moments of giggles about weird sounds they make and laughing about messes during dinner never stop. I hope they are close when they get in school, and share friends, and help each other out. I hope they have that undeniable bond of love and support, even when they disagree with each other. I hope they can encourage each other to be better people. I hope they are friends.

health and fitness, Run Away.

Run Away – From Running?

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Time for a confession. I went a week and a half without going on a run.

YIKES! WHAT DID SHE SAY?!

Yes, I’m training for a 10K that’s happening at the end of this month, and I just went 10 days without running. In my defense, the weather played a part. Also in my defense, I worked out in different ways than running. So I wasn’t a total bum. I just didn’t run.

When I finally got back to it, I got in 3 miles that first day. I might have been able to go longer, but I didn’t get out there quickly enough, and J decided after the second mile he needed a nap in his own crib, so I headed home. Side note: I’d like to thank Jesus for finally ending the weird spitting rain that lasted for days, and not raising the temperature too much. It’s been lovely!

But I am committed. Well, re-committed. I am going to kick the snot out of this 10K if it kills me (it might). I’m going to try getting that run out of the way right after breakfast each day, which might be hard, because I am always guzzling coffee, and it makes it… uncomfortable… to run right after it. So here’s to a few more weeks of ONE cup of coffee before my run, and the rest after it! If I want more coffee, I have to run for it!

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And on the note of running for coffee, I sometimes run to Lowe’s Foods near my house (the one on Robinhood) if I can think of a couple of things I can grab quickly and toss in the bottom of the stroller. They’ve just done a massive upgrade (that was super annoying while it was happening) including a little coffee shop right inside the door. I have now had their brewed coffee, plain espresso, and a flavored latte (pumpkin spice, of course). All were delicious, not to mention inexpensive and served with a smile; the baristas are wonderful! So if you live close by, pop in there for a warm drink while you shop!

faith

Find a Quiet Moment

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Recently, I’ve seen, heard, and read a lot about priorities, living intentionally, and focusing on what’s most important. Also recently, I wrote a post about how I felt like my word for this season of my life is “rest” (read about that here). These posts, articles, and conversations have really gotten my mind buzzing and my heart pondering.

It’s so easy to get priorities out of whack. It’s even easier when you’re busy; if, like me, you have kids (or pets, so I’m told) to worry about, a house to keep clean, laundry to do, you know the drill. It’s hard to wake up and say, “First things first: I’m going to have some quiet time. I’m sure the kids won’t mind if they don’t get clean diapers or breakfast till I’m finished.” Or if you have to be leave for work at 7:30 like I did (when you aren’t a morning person) it’s tough to get up earlier than you absolutely have to. Sure, if you happen to score a Double Nap (see my thoughts on that here) or if you can send them to school, the first obstacle is out of the way, right? Wrong. Your to-do list is probably a mile long, no matter what your situation.

So what do you do? I don’t know. I’m figuring that out as I go. I’m reaching down deep and searching my soul – and schedule – to add some more quiet time in. On the days that I manage to squeeze it in (especially in the morning) I’m in a better mood, I respond to people with a little more patience and understanding, and my thoughts are nearer to the Word.

So in the spirit of being more intentional about my time (which I will elaborate more on later for sure), I’m adding to my thoughts on “rest” being my word. I’m including “resting” each day in a quiet time… in prayer, in the Scriptures, in His presence. I want to have a few minutes at least to rest and listen for Him. It’s my desire to provide the Holy Spirit with the opportunity to make something amazing happen. If I’m not listening, who knows what I’ll miss hearing Him say.