Tag Archives: faith

faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

Motherhood Is a Battle

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This post also appeared on My Big Jesus. 

As a mom, I am called to do a plethora of things. Not the least of these is to fight for my children. I fight for them to be treated fairly, given any and every opportunity, for their health, their happiness, and, if the need arises, their very lives. I am happy to fight those battles for them as long as I can. 

But sometimes, I feel like all I do is fight. I fight against the sink full of dishes or the endless loads of laundry. I fight veggies into mouths. I fight shoes onto feet. I fight urine and spit-up out of carpet and bedsheets. I fight the clock to finish dinner in time to bathe before bed. I fight for guilt-free alone time. I fight for quality time with one or two or even three, that isn’t taken up by “Stop that!” or “Don’t hit your sister!” Choose your battles, they’ve told me. Well, choosing my battles seems like a battle in itself. 

When I’ve fought battles all day, I’m weary of myself. I dislike who I’ve become after the stress of the day has worn me down. I need a break, or encouragement, or a big glass of wine. But what I try my hardest to do is focus on the One who can pull me up, out of the muck and the mire, and remind me who I am. He can drag me out of the pit – where sometimes you can find me wallowing – and restore me the my fuller self. He is the conqueror of things big and small. He has conquered death, so what battles of mine can He not win?

Jesus is a conqueror. In Him, I am also a conqueror. When I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle, He can win for me! He take take all the ugliness – the exhaustion, the anger the guilt, and the sadness in me – and weave them into a beautiful tapestry that tells the story of who I am, without being overpowered by those emotions. It can show those feelings, as well as the beauty – the joy, the love, the excitement, and the peace – that shows when He shines His light through me. He has already conquered, and will keep on conquering. I need only to be still.   

faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus, parenting fails

How do you think it looks? 

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 This post also appeared on My Big Jesus!


The other night, while the kids were taking their bath, I decided to give J’s and EK’s hair a little trim, mostly to make sure their bangs didn’t get into their eyes. They have endearingly shaggy cuts, and so I’d never want to jeopardize that. We had had some friends lingering after our dinner together, so after bath time, we fast-forwarded the bedtime routine, so we could get back to chatting with our friends. I was VERY surprised that EK didn’t make her way back up the stairs, as is her usual custom when we have friends over. (She likes to rejoin the party.) Their bedtime was a little late, so I attributed her absence to tiredness.

Around 11:00, when everyone had gone home and Hubby and I were getting ready for bed, I felt like I should go check once more and see if they were nestled in their beds. When Hubby and I got to the hallway where the kids’ rooms are, I saw EK’s light on underneath her door. When we got inside, we immediately saw little pieces of paper and ribbon from various bows that had all been cut into tiny pieces.

(I’ll take a moment to clarify that we don’t allow scissors without supervision. I’ll also clarify that I happened to leave those bangs-trimming scissors to dry on the bathroom counter, but up against the backsplash, and out of sight.)

Finding EK on the far side of her bed, working on a ribbon on her nightgown, I asked, “What are you doing, babe?” She looked up at me, and replied, “Just cutting stuff.” At this, I started to the see hair on the floor. I took the scissors and said, “Well you know that it’s not okay for you to use scissors without me or Daddy with you. And look at all the hair you’ve cut off!”

As she started to cry (mostly from being in trouble, I think), I looked at Hubby and said quietly, “That’s a lot of hair…” Turning back to a sniffling EK, I said, “You really cut a lot of hair. How do you think it looks?” And as the dam broke and she crumbled into a hot mess, she cried, “Great!” and succumbed to the sobbing. As tears filled my eyes, I told her the most important thing I could think to tell her: “If you think you look great, then so do I.”

You see, she’s not yet four years old. She is outwardly tough, but can be fragile in many ways. She is moldable, flexible, and absorbs every single thing she sees and hears. If I had dared tell her it didn’t look good, or that she did an awful job on her hair, well, it would’ve crushed her. It likely would’ve stuck out in her mind for a long while. Instead, the focus of the scold was on scissor safety and not the outcome of a self-done haircut. After all, it’ll grow. And it looks right cute with a headband in it. She’s still my adorable EK, and her hair just has a little extra spunk.

faith, holidays, mommyhood, My Big Jesus, random thoughts

Getting My Groove Back

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This post also appeared on My Big Jesus!

This isn’t just a cutsie post about how I took a little while after the holidays to find my regularly scheduled rhythm. This is a post about how mid-winter, when the holiday rush is done, but spring has yet to begin, there is a slump. I don’t just mean in the school year (though as a former teacher, I know that is REAL) or the weather (also stupidly cold) but just in life in general. Coming down off a joyous season of celebration, family, friends, and the Lord’s goodness, I’m experiencing sadness – a bit of a Christmas hangover, if you will. 

I was chatting with a friend a few days ago about how much more difficult it is to put Christmas decorations away than it is to get them out. You’d think it would be the same amount of work, and it might actually be. But it’s much harder to put them away because you’re just packing away sparkly, festive happiness. I mean, who wouldn’t be a little bummed about that? Have lots of parties, listen to happy music, see everything shining and twinkling, and then all of a sudden, pack all the joy away and return to the dead of winter? Ugh. Hubby ended up putting away the last of our decorations, with the help of his mom, one day while I was out. I had gotten halfway done, and just… couldn’t finish. Boxes and packing paper were strewn about, the tree was mostly devoid of ornaments but not totally. It just felt sad every time I thought about getting everything packed away, and I’ll be totally honest… I’d been using the still-lit tree as a nightlight.

So naturally, I’ve been dragging myself, slowly but surely, out of said slump. I’ve been trying to jazz myself up by making some fun plans for the kids and I to enjoy. I’m trying to not feel as though the winter has already peaked. 

And then yesterday morning, a Sunday, when I got out of bed – at the 9th snooze – there was the most perfect distinct g of snow on the ground. My daughter – from window to window, with the excitement of a kid on Christmas morning. I had forgotten what a few snow flurries will do for a child. The joy was tangible. It spread from person to person, until everyone in the house was so excited, we had to ask whether church was canceled, in case we could go outside to play. The contagious excitement and healing laughter jerked me right out of my emotional recession and into a renewed inflation of joy.  

 What if the joy of the Lord could spread like that? Just a little, from person to person to person… brightening her day here and calming his fears there. What if you let the little things fill you up with unspeakable joy that others could witness in your very countenance? Let the childlike faith overcome you and your post-holiday slump, and keep the joy in your everyday life, mundane tasks, and passive interactions with others. How many lives could you change? How might you entertain angels unawares? How often would you welcome the stranger that might just be Jesus? 

faith, mommyhood, random thoughts

One Word for 2016

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Last year, I chose a word (okay fine, a phrase) to carry me through the year, instead of making goals I wouldn’t achieve and resolutions I would quickly abandon. I chose the words “Embrace it”, and I do feel like that became a bit of a mantra to just love where I was. 

This year, I feel the Lord leading me towards the word “pray”. Obviously (or I think, anyway) I pray. I pray for my family, my job, myself, strangers, even. But I feel like this year, I’m being led do pray more… pray more often, pray continuously, pray over and about everything. Especially this: Pray first. Not just before making big decisions or facing trials. But pray first each day, pray first before letting the fear in, and pray first succumbing to anger. I will pray before speaking, whenever possible. I will pray for patience, guidance, and help. 

Now those all seem like lofty things to say I will do. It sounds like it’s going to take a lot of effort… But really, what it will take it just doing it. And asking the Lord to help me. Praying that He will find me faithful in this endeavor, and help me to seek Him daily and nightly, and in everything. I am excited to see my life change as I go through the process of seeking Him and finding that He will surely meet me where I am. 

Here’s to 2016, and not a resolution to change on my own, but a call for Him to change me instead. 

faith, holidays, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

Some Assembly Required

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This post also appeared on My Big Jesus!

I had a lovely experience with Christmas this year. My two oldest kids are old enough to really appreciate more complicated toys and notice when things are a little different. I spent a few hours setting up for Christmas morning, and making sure everything looked “just so”. I even made my brother help me with the Lego village. 

So naturally, on the eve of my son’s birthday, only 3 days after Christmas, I abhorred the fact that I was already wrapping more boxes and assembling a birthday celebration. This feeling was even more pronounced since I had bought a special surprise for him months ago, that I imagined being the favorite birthday gift. 

A friend of mine had bought a teepee for her son, on sale and very nice. Online, it looked similar to a pop-up tent thing my daughter has (in the shape of a princess castle of course) that J loves, so I thought it would be the perfect compliment to that. The box arrived amid several other Christmas gifts, so I put the entire box away to open later when I prepared for his birthday. 

Tonight, when my kids got in bed, I began to look at the Christmas crazy left from the last few days of slowly dwindling house guests and overflowing bins and boxes of stuff. I’m supposed to host a birthday party tomorrow?! I don’t care how small it’s supposed to be, that’s a little bit of pressure. So naturally I run the vacuum half-heartedly and pick up miscellaneous items from new toy sets and one thousand little scraps of wrapping paper I had so carefully folded and sparingly taped. And then… I remember the teepee.

I retrieved the box from the garage, and got to work. I’ve got a few choice pictures of my progress…  

 When I took it out of the box, I was surprised to find wooden poles. What happened to that pop-up tent I ordered? Along with the poles there was treated canvas. Was this thing an actual tent?! Is he, at some point in the future, going to ask me to camp in this thing?!

So, I got to work, in the middle of the living room floor, glass of wine close by for moral support. The directions seemed simple: Twist poles together. Put poles into inserts in canvas. Tie poles and grommets in canvas together. Enjoy your tent. Easy! 

 Forty-five long minutes later, I call my mom upstairs to help me tie knots, and we stand back and look at our newest abode within an abode. I could probably curl up and sleep in this thing. J is gonna LOVE it. I had envisioned it in his room. I’ll probably still let him keep it there, but it’s gonna be tight.  

 Moral of the story? J will love it. And I would do anything for my son, especially on his birthday, that I think he will love. Even after a week of crazy has just happened, I will open my home to even more crazy, because he deserves to be celebrated. I love him for who he is, but also (mostly) because he is my sweet, beloved son. Will he remember his second birthday? Nope. Will his adult self remember an awesome, surprisingly durable, traffic cone-like teepee? Maybe not. But will he remember the love his mama put into everything that had to do with him? I sure hope so. 

If I can love my silly, sweet middle child so much, after only two years, that it brings tears to my eyes, how much more can my Father, creator of the cosmos and author of my destiny, love me? I may be sweet, I am definitely silly, and I often feel lost in the shuffle, but I always know that I have the deep, secure love of a Father who would do anything to make me whole. 

faith, holidays, home, mommyhood, random thoughts

Slow Down.

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Y’all. Time is flying. Weather is cooling, decorations are twinkling, and the days go by so quickly! That could have a little bit to do with the fact that the sun is only up for ten hours, but eh… who is paying attention to that?

This season of waiting, of already and not yet has even more meaning this year. Not only are we celebrating the coming of Christ as a helpless babe, but we are also celebrating Christmas… a first christmas for D, a second for J (and likely his first in memory) and a fourth for EK (and she is all about the traditions since she remembers some things from last year). 

We also have parties, church services and gigs to plan for. This is all in addition to leaving town all of next weekend, and leaving the kids with my parents. Hubby’s cousin is getting married, and I am turning 30. It just seemed like the right time. But what will we be missing when we go?

EK remembers our advent calendar each day, and understands when we tell her something special is happening. For instance, tomorrow we have breakfast with Santa with Hubby’s family, followed by Disney on Ice with some dear friends. It makes for a busy day, but a wonderful time  for our kids. I am just as excited as they are! 

But there is some trepidation there. With our littles, it’s proven to be hard to get anywhere, much less on time. It’s hard to pack everything we need, feed everyone on time, and let everyone get their rest when they need it. I know this is a season, and a short one in the grand scheme, but I am lost in the details. 

I am struggling to not lose sight of the important things, as I cross off my to-do list, see my gift-buying list get shorter, and attend more events than I ever thought possible. How did I get so busy? Didn’t I decide to stay home so that life could be more simple? It just seems more hectic as we get closer to Christmas. 

I know I’m not the only one feeling this way… I can’t be. Others have full plates or young children or both. All parents balance their work and home lives, and try to make Christmas magical for the children. But as life gets crazier, I find myself pining for morning pajama dance parties, pb&j lunches and movie-watching evenings. I just want to relax and read Christmas stories with my family, and there doesn’t seem to be time. 

So here, in the eleventh hour, I choose to slow down. I’m not adding anything else to my full calendar, or looking for any other happenings. I want to watch Christmas movies more evenings than not. I want to drink hot chocolate. I want to drive around our neighborhood, looking for lights. I’ll unplug, bake cookies, take naps, and read those Christmas books over and over. My kids will love it, because they love slow time with us. They’re not begging to travel or go to events. They’re not asking for fancy toys and huge presents (yet, anyway). I will slow down and enjoy this magical time of twinkly lights, sugary treats, family and friends, and the baby Jesus’ birth. We all need it. We all need love and grace and hope that even in a busy, and sometimes scary world, there are good things. 

faith, holidays, home, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

Trimming the Tree: Thought Processes of Preschoolers

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This post also appeared on My Big Jesus!

I was so excited this year to get my Christmas decorations out and spend an evening with my family trimming the tree. Advent is my favorite time of the year and I love starting the season with music and lights and family.

I got box after box of carefully wrapped decorations from the attic, as visions of sugar plums danced in my head, and as my mother forcibly held my almost 2 year old son back from climbing the ladder after me. My 3 1/2 year old daughter, well-acquainted with the magic of Christmas, danced around the room, alternately shouting about how excited she was about the artaments and shouting at her brother to not break them.

We unwrapped the shiny, sparkly goodies and helped the first round of them get on the tree. I put the most fragile as high as I could, and let the kids do what they could reach. J quickly lost interest upon learning that actually putting the string around a branch was difficult, and resorted to pushing all the buttons on the ones that made noise (cue the off-key renditions of Disney songs and light shows that could cause seizures).

Having only broken a couple of ornaments so far, I felt like it was going well. The next day, however, as I admired our handiwork, I noticed a few things. This is what my preschoolers must’ve thought:

First of all, ornaments look best on the bottom of the tree. Either that or they didn’t bother to reach above their waistlines. Clusters of ornaments hang at my knee level and below, mostly including the “fun ones” or ones that my daughter made.

Secondly, once a kid got hooked on one branch, it had to have at least four ornaments before moving on to the next one. Branches are weighed down so heavily that I’ve moved several ornaments off to relieve pressure.

Third, similar ornaments must be hung together. If they came in a set together, they were meant to be hung near each other. Why spread them out evenly? (Close proximity of polka dot hats and silver garlic blubs – thanks Hubby for pointing that shape out.)

Lastly, the tree is not the only place for ornaments. The kitchen table, nightstands, and the middle of the floor are all acceptable places for tree ornaments to be residing. Note: if they make noise, they’re in a kid’s hand all the time.

All in all, I kinda dig it. I can have a tree worthy of Southern Living when I’m an empty-nester.

faith, home, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

He Is Secure, Even If I’m Not

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This post also appeared on My Big Jesus!  

 This weekend, unbeknownst to me, Hubby transitioned my little tiny baby J into his big boy bed.

Okay, so he’s not so tiny. But he’s still a baby, right?!

J won’t be two till just after Christmas, and even though he has an actually tiny baby brother, he himself is still a baby. A toddler, maybe, but in many ways still a baby. He needs snuggles and has warm milk at nap time and won’t use the potty and should still be contained in his crib. 

But while I was out on Saturday, Christmas shopping with my sisters-in-law and my mother-in-law, Hubby put J down for a nap in the queen-sized bed (that’s already in his room for lack of another place to put it). We had been talking about moving him into it, and letting J get used to the idea, but hadn’t made any real plan for when it would happen.

With EK, we tried to move her to a big girl bed too early. We were preparing for J’s arrival, and just couldn’t get her to stay in her big girl room, so she slept in his nursery even after he was a couple of weeks old. She wasn’t ready, and she was not going to sleep there until she decided it was time.

Now on Saturday (with no warning, may I add), I just received a picture text from Hubby of the video monitor, pointed at the bed, with a tiny spot of J somewhere near the headboard. I couldn’t believe it! Tears came to my eyes when I thought of my little baby boy, asleep in that giant bed, without me snuggling next to him. Surely he can’t be ready! He must feel so scared alone in that huge bed!

But he wasn’t scared or sad. He was ready. I was the one who wasn’t.

Upon further conversation, I learned that he didn’t go immediately to sleep, but he slept soundly once he was. He has even spent two nights and another nap in the bed, only escaping the room a couple of times before drifting off.

He isn’t even my last baby, but I’m not ready to lose the crib. What if he misses it? What if he asks to sleep there? But it’s my security blanket, not his. I’m the one that wants to hold him back. But he knows that his needs will be met, his fears will be stilled, and he can be brave because he is loved and taken care of. He is secure.

faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

I want to be like Nanny and Bump Bump.

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This post also appeared on My Big Jesus!

This weekend, Hubby and I went to a family reunion of sorts. Many of his extended family members came in from all over to get together for the first time in several years, to catch up, meet new additions, and talk about family history. Hubby’s great-grandparents were the first generation, and the subsequent four generations were the ones together this weekend.

There were four generations of people talking (or learning) about Hubby’s great-grandparents,  Nanny and Bump Bump. Their children (our grandparents generation) told stories from their childhood about growing up in small town, North Carolina, saying things like “We still had horses and buggies.” and “Our phone number was only two digits.” When asked how they were taught as children about morals, ethics and faith, they all responded with the most amazing answer I could’ve imagined.

Nanny and Bump Bump's home
Nanny and Bump Bump’s home
They said they didn’t always have meaningful dinner conversations about such things, or learn lessons from being told what to do. They learned by watching their parents live with honesty, hard work, and kindness every single day. They watched their parents visit the bereaved, bring soup to the sick, and feed and clothe the poor. They saw coworkers and employees treated with respect, and strangers and friends alike welcomed into their home.

What better way to truly see how Jesus lived than to personally know someone who subscribes to His lifestyle? To be parents who truly embody love, kindness, hard work, and respect is the best way for our children to grow up appreciating and living out those very qualities. The idea that children learn more by watching than listening has been proven again and again, and especially to me now that I’m a parent.

I can tell that my children watch me closely every time I hear them grunt as they stoop to pick something up, or use my tone of voice when they tell each other what to do. It’s humbling to hear my “mom voice” come out of my daughter’s mouth with a little more force than I would’ve thought I used. I was convicted as I listened to Hubby’s grandmother lovingly talk about how amazing her parents were and how she remembered their good deeds and kind words.

Good deeds.

Kind words.

I can do that. One step at a time, one prayer at a time, I can do good deeds, speak kind words, and be an example for my children, and their children, and their children…

faith, holidays, My Big Jesus, random thoughts

The In Between

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This post also appeared on My Big Jesus! 

And just like that, Halloween has come and gone. The gorgeous leaves are mostly on the ground. The chill from the morning is lasting further through the day, which is shorter than ever. Already, stores have their Christmas things out, hoping to snag the earliest of shoppers. We are about to give the rest of fall a complete pass, hopping, skipping and jumping to the holidays. In fact, I was planning a New Year’s Eve party with some friends a day or two ago.

But before we go on, before we hang our wreaths, or even dress the Thanksgiving turkey, let’s pause.

  
Pause here, on the brink of what’s to come. Linger here, in the in between, and savor the anticipation of your plans and parties and presents. Treasure this time before it all starts. Prepare your heart for the busyness, joy, stress, and laughter. We’re sure to have all of those feelings and more.

Maybe this holiday will be the first without a loved one. Perhaps it’ll be your first holiday with a new love, or your child’s first time to really enjoy all that the holidays can offer. Whatever your situation will be this holiday, it’s not quite here yet. You’ve still a moment… just a moment to bask in the delicate juxtaposition of the anticipation and the calm, the already and the not yet. 

Isn’t that what it’s all about, friends? The already of the beauty of His creation, the sweet moments where we know He is near… and the not yet – the waiting for Him to call us home, for His glory to be revealed and our earthly selves to be redeemed. This sweet, sweet in between is our entire life, folks. We are calling to Him, begging for redemption and hope, asking to be changed and renewed. And He is answering, with love and wholeness, He is answering us every second of every day, until we go home to Him. 

In this season, I beg you to pause. Find Him in the moments of quiet, of already and not yet. Seek His face as you put away and bring out, as you tear down and build up. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you, and bring you closer to Him. He will, y’all. He will.