Tag Archives: faith

faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus, pregnancy, siblings

Once… Twice… Three Times with Baby

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I like to think that by blogging, I’m able to impart a little motherly wisdom, provide a little entertainment, and encourage some weary women out there with a little good news. I think this post does all three of those things pretty well… So here’s a post about pregnancies – and how they’re all different.

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When you’re pregnant with your first baby, no matter how you feel, you probably have the opportunity to rest a lot. With your first, you can lounge around in your free time, sleep a lot, rest, and exploit your spouse to please cook the thing you’re craving and take out the trash because your pregnant nose is in overdrive and you can’t stand the smell. You always know what week you’re on (16 weeks, 2 days, 3 hours and 15 minutes) and you have the due date marked in all your friends’ and family members’ calendars. You have a perfect nursery, complete with outfits for every type of weather and every size up to 3T. You’ve looked at day cares and preschools, read parenting books and blogs, and chosen the perfect name for a successful human. You are way ahead of the game, due purely to excitement.

When you’re pregnant with your second baby, there is no resting unless your kid is resting (so basically none). There is no requesting special meals, because the meals revolve around the current kid, not you. If he takes out the trash, you’re probably doing the dishes or changing a diaper, anyway. You try to eat as healthily as possible (fruit, non-sugary cereal, etc) since you’re trying to feed your kid pretty healthy, too. You keep on doing your thing as much as possible, sneaking naps if you can, and going to bed a little earlier, if your spouse is helping with laundry.

With your third, all bets are pretty much off. You’re going and bopping and feeding and playing and cleaning and laundering and driving to and from and yonder. You’re eating a lot of mac and cheese, because that’s what’s easy to satisfy everyone’s palates. You’re already swimming in diapers and wipes, so no need to buy a bunch of those in preparation. You’ve got every type of hand-me-downs, so the kid is set on clothes. You feel like you want to buy the third kid something new, but you just don’t need anything and you don’t have extra cash really to throw at unnecessary baby items. You also better have your maternity clothes unpacked at 8 weeks, because you’ll need them.

But you know what will be the same every time?  You’ll still smile when you feel the baby move in your womb. You will be excited to pick the name, however far along you are. You will know love that you didn’t know you had room for in your heart. You will begin praying for that little being and the rest of his or her life.

faith, random thoughts, women

Wonderful Women

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Last night, I attended a “women’s supper club” for a group of women from my church. It was FANTASTIC. There was sharing, laughing, crying, hugging, praying, talking, teaching, and loving each other. I met new women, reconnected with some I hadn’t seen recently, and chuckled and snuggled with women I know well. It was a much-needed night of frivolity and fellowship and faith-building. I realized this: I have lots of wonderful women in my life, and I love finding more. You can never have too many women who are peers, women who are mentors, women who are mentees, women who have walked through your trenches, and women who are in them right beside you.

Women were created for relationship. It’s in our nature. God created Adam, and then created him a companion in Eve. I think that we were created for communication, fellowship, compassion, and love. This isn’t just limited to a romantic relationship, or familial relationship. This very nature of women spreads to all relationships – friends, acquaintances, strangers, all.

I’ve had several blog friends recently start up ways for women to connect with and find friends online (in a non-creepy or stalkerish way haha). Women can be lonely without a group, without a tribe. I am lucky in that I have a tribe built in where I live, but I still want to grow it! I want to help women connect with each other, build meaningful relationships, and make lasting impressions on each other. I know how important those types of relationships have been in my life, and how much they still will be for the rest of it.

I’m not sure the way I want to go about this yet. I want to help y’all out, help you get to know each other, help you find gals in your area who are like-minded and need a group of friends as well. I want to make it authentic and not forced. I want to make it realistic and long-lasting. So it’s a tall order, but it’s on my heart. And I’m going to be praying about it. It already makes me excited!

Please comment if you have ideas, ways to connect that are already in place, or anything else you think might be helpful in the process. If you’re a praying person, I invite you to join me in prayer in the first steps of the process, and for the hearts of the women that might get involved!

faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

That Moment When…

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That moment when you look at your kids, and they’re playing nicely together.
That moment when their plates are empty, and haven’t been flung to the floor yet.
When they say please and thank you.
When they ask for an extra hug and kiss.
When they blow your mind with their brilliance, their intuitiveness, and their stinkin’ cute curls.

But also, that moment when she pushes him down.
That moment when all the stuffed animals are in the toilet.
That moment when you aren’t sure how much they ate, because food seems to multiply when it hits the floor.
When you’re sure your kids had friends over while you went to the bathroom, because two kids couldn’t have done that by themselves.
When you didn’t finish your breakfast, or your coffee, or shower.
When they refuse to nap, refuse to eat, refuse to be held, and refuse to be put down, simultaneously.

That moment, you are a mother. Yes, you’re always a mother, but you might wear a hundred other hats in a day… wife, sister, chef, friend, housekeeper, daughter, co-worker, chauffeur or any myriad of other jobs you may sometimes hold. But that moment, you’re simply a mom.

You are more than just a busy woman or even a slightly sticky, exhausted human. You’re a mom who provides fully, loves deeply, tries hard, and picks herself up when she slips. You’re a mom who kisses booboos, fixes hair, wipes noses, and cuts crusts off sandwiches. You’re a mom who molds minds, chases dreams, encourages personalities and shapes the future.

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faith, mommyhood, pregnancy

A Test of Genes and a Test of Faith

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This has been hard. So effing hard. Pardon my French, but this has sucked in a major way.

Two weeks ago at my ultrasound (I briefly mentioned this here) we did the initial screening for chromosomal disorders. This first screening, for those of you that have never had it – I hadn’t with either of my first two kids – is just a little thing that the ultrasound tech looks at during your first ultrasound, around 12 weeks.  So the tech (the same one I’ve had with all my ultrasounds with my other pregnancies) found something (whatever measurement it is that they take) that indicated a “risk” of having an issue, and said that I should have the second screening, which just involved a quick blood draw that day, and I’d get results in a week or so.

That second screening came back (three days later, mid-shower, on a very busy morning, with very little time to process) with a likelihood that the baby has Trisomy 18.

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If you (like me) don’t know anything about it or have never heard of it, here’s what the Trisomy 18 foundation says:

Trisomy 18, also known as Edwards syndrome, is a condition which is caused by a error in cell division, known as meiotic disjunction.  Trisomy 18 occurs in about 1 out of every 2500 pregnancies in the United States, about 1 in 6000 live births.  The numbers of total births increase significantly when stillbirths are factored in that occur in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters of pregnancy.
Unlike Down syndrome, which also is caused by a chromosomal defect, the developmental issues caused by Trisomy 18 are associated with medical complications that are more potentially life-threatening in the early months and years of life. 50% of babies who are carried to term will be stillborn, with baby boys having higher stillbirth rate than baby girls.
Some children will be able to be discharged from the hospital with home nursing support for their families. And although less than 10 percent survive to their first birthdays, some children with Trisomy 18 can enjoy many years of life with their families, reaching milestones and being involved with their community.  A small number of adults (usually girls) with Trisomy 18 have and are living into their twenties and thirties, although with significant developmental delays that do not allow them to live independently without assisted caregiving.

Cliff’s notes: This is bad. High risk of miscarriage. High risk of still birth. High risk of infant mortality. Unlikely for my baby to reach his/her childhood years, much less reach the other side of them.

My doctor (aka my hero – read my birth stories!) encouraged me to get a (very expensive but worth it) blood test that would give us 99.9% accurate results as to whether baby has Trisomy 18. So there I was, having taken a test that will tell me for almost certain whether or not I should be worried for the next 6 months, whether or not to even get excited about decorating a nursery and buying a new outfit or two, whether or not I will have just moments with my sweet child or years. How can a woman possibly be expected to hear this news and do anything but stay in bed all day (several days!) and cry?

As you might expect, I’ve been an emotional wreck. I’ve been vacillating between crying and yelling and being silent and praying and pretending I’m fine. I’ve been on an extremely short fuse, what with being cooped up from the cold, cooped up in half our home, and bearing the unbearable weight of possible bad news.

So I’ll spare you the waiting and waiting that I’ve gone through.

My doctor called yesterday late in the afternoon, as I was lying down to nap. When I saw the caller ID, my heart stopped in my chest. I knew it was the moment of truth. My world could either continue turning, or be shattered for the foreseeable future. I’d been waiting for the call, and now I wasn’t sure if I could answer.

But I did… and he (thankfully, prayerfully and PRAISE THE LORD) told me the test came back negative for Trisomy 18 and other chromosomal disorders, and that the baby is normal. THE BABY IS NORMAL! Has anyone ever been so happy to hear about “normal”?! I don’t know. But I sure was ecstatic and overwhelmed and unable to even respond. I just sat and cried on the phone.

The waiting, my friends, is indeed the hardest part. It’s seemed like an entire lifetime I’ve waited to hear these results, barely breathing, much less going on with life, until I knew how to proceed. My thoughts were consumed, I didn’t stop for a moment to pray for anything else, and I just zombied (yeah, it’s a verb) my way through a week and a half of life, waiting to hear whether my family would drastically change in a good way or bad.

So please, rejoice with me, even though I didn’t share the extent of the situation until now. If I kept it from you, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to tell you. It’s because I didn’t know how to say it. The situation has been redeemed, as Jesus has a knack of doing. My fears and anxieties have been put to rest, and I have a peace in my heart that surpasses understanding. Jesus wins, Jesus saves, Jesus heals and Jesus answers prayers. I am so thankful that I had Jesus to turn to.

faith, mommyhood

Being Intentional vs. Relinquishing Control

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I’m about to be brutally honest, y’all.

I’m struggling to find a balance in my life right now.

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I want to live intentionally. I want to be intentional. An intentional Christian. An intentional wife. An intentional mother. An intentional friend. This leaves me floundering in things I want to do and “need” to do to keep relationships up and chores, etc done. I’m finding that I want control in so many areas so that my intentionality shows through. Basically, my OCD is going nuts over making sure every single thing I do has a reason and a good result.

The real result? I’m being so controlling that there is no grace and no room for error. You know who errors a lot? Kids. Husbands. Wives. Friends. People. EVERY SINGLE PERSON. I’m turning into an angry monster when things don’t go my way. (Hormones, much?) I’m realizing that being intentional isn’t the only thing that matters. And if I fail a little at being intentional, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ve achieved the opposite – some sort of willy-nilly disregard for results or consequences.

I need to reign myself in, and let Jesus increase in my life. I’m not leaning on Him enough. I know this to be true, because doing things on my own, I will fail every time. I’m not bringing Him glory by trying to control everything in the name of being intentional. But I could bring Him glory by letting myself decrease, and letting Him increase.

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I’m not saying this is easy for me. Actually, it’s one of the more difficult things I’ll ever do. Relinquish control over situations, over life in general? Yeah right. I’m good at organizing and managing. I can handle it, right? Well, I can’t. I’m realizing it more and more every day that I try. I can’t be  a graceful parent without receiving the grace the Father has for me. I can’t be a wife who loves her husband unconditionally unless I receive the unconditional love from my heavenly Bridegroom. I can’t be a friend who listens and loves well, unless I am loved and renewed by my Savior and Friend.

Remember my New Year’s Resolution that wasn’t a resolution? To embrace it: life, my situation, whatever “it” was? Well, this is all going to be part of that – make it easier, even. Embrace my situation by relinquishing my control over it, and choosing to see myself, others, and my life the way God does. Seeing the world through His eyes instead of my judgmental, small-minded view could change everything for the better! I’m just taking the very first step in making that change… admitting that I need one.

faith

God Still Parts Red Seas

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Each year, the pastor at my church chooses a scripture that will be preached on and spoken to each member of the church individually, as a blessing for the year. It’s a really wonderful thing that they do: speaking positivity and truth into each and every person’s life through the course of one morning. Speaking blessing and encouragement into people who may not get it from anywhere else. It’s awesome.

Last night, I went with the other members of leadership to be blessed for 2015. The Blessing Sunday is a really busy time for worship leaders, pastors, deacons, and others who are leaders in the church, so we all get blessed with our families the previous Wednesday at a service together. As I went with Hubby to take communion and pick up the kids for the blessing, I was overcome with excitement. This is gonna be good! I thought. And it was. Our venue pastor Brandon was one of our “blessers”, along with a lady that I hadn’t met before. The scripture for the blessing was this:

Exodus 14:13-14 (NKJV)
And Moses said to the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will accomplish for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again no more forever. The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.”

Stand still. How often are we told that? Maybe if we’re having our picture taken, and that’s about it. Otherwise, it’s “come here” and “do this” and “go there” and “finish that”. It’s never “stand still, and let the Lord fight your battle for you”. How much better is that? How much more successful will He be at fighting my battle?

See the salvation of the Lord, which He will accomplish for you today. He WILL accomplish it. No question. He HAS accomplished it; His salvation is already ours! Amen, y’all!

You shall hold your peace. Hold… your… peace. Hold it. YOUR peace. That peace is yours for the taking, for the holding. That peace is in the security of knowing the Lord is fighting for you. FOR. YOU.

Our “blessers” spoke wisdom, peace, encouragement and security into our lives for 2015. They spoke to us as husband and wife, as parents, as workers and doers and believers. They spoke in love, and in the Holy Spirit. I’ve been thinking about it all night and all morning, how encouraged and positive I feel! A little encouragement and a word from the Lord spoken straight to me can go a long way.

If you need this encouragement, this love, this word, and you’re in central NC, then be at Reynolda Church, EPC on Sunday morning at 9:30 or 11. It’s gonna be good, y’all.

faith, mommyhood, random thoughts

2015 – Embrace It

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Image from www.123newyear.comImage from http://www.123newyear.com

So, I’ve never been one to make a resolution and stick with it. I typically don’t make resolutions at all. Have you ever done it? Have you even come close? I’m not great at setting goals… I know, that sounds silly. I’m afraid I’d just fail at it, get discouraged, get depressed, and then it’d be all over. I just do what I do, and try to do it well. That’s a goal, right?

Well, I heard a few things this year about resolutions not really being a thing any more, but having a quote or even just one word that you live your year by instead.

I read this post on My Big Jesus (here it is!) by a lovely woman I know, and she had a great take on a New Year’s “word”. She chose “ordinary”. That may seem like underachieving, but truly, it’s providing a blank slate for God to create something really beautiful, wonderful, extraordinary, that’s He has ordained, not me. Not something that I that I’ve heard other people did and thought it might look nice on my social media when you read it.

Leaving myself open to God’s plan isn’t always easy. His road is rarely freshly paved, with wide lanes and glorious views. It can be tough, windy, hilly, and we can feel like we’re low on gas.

But I think I’m gonna intentionally choose to embrace where I am in 2015. I jokingly say sometimes that I feel like I’m constantly on the crazy train, and I should just embrace it because it isn’t going anywhere. But seriously, I want to embrace the crazy – embrace it because it is my “ordinary”. I won’t set unattainable goals, lofty and numerous. I won’t even try my hardest to do what I want to do. I’m just going to pray more, and let His Spirit lead me. Saying “yes” to His will is the biggest “resolution”, or “word” to live by. The best part? There will be grace when I fail. There will be forgiveness when I’m not following. There will be room for growth, no matter how I’m doing. And that is where the true blessing is.

faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

A Mountainous Moment Away

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This post also appeared on MyBigJesus.com!

A couple of weekends ago, I went to the mountains (Asheville, NC to be exact) with my college girlfriends for about 24 hours. Y’all. It’s the first baby-free 24 hours I’ve had since September. I know, I’m probably spoiled getting away twice in a matter of four months, but I digress.

We had planned to spend a day and a night together before the Christmas rush to catch up, sleep late, eat like the foodies we are, drink wine and shop. It was a great trip: beautiful weather, wonderful friends (we’ve been friends for ten years!) and just enough excitement to make me glad I wasn’t lugging two extra bodies around.

Until I’d gotten through 19 or so of the 24 hours. And then I missed those extra little bodies. No one was tugging at my shirt from around my knees, no one had needed to potty, no sippy cups misplaced, no diapers were changed, and no one had cried because their nap time was off. But then again, no one randomly wanted hugs and kisses, ate the rest of my sandwich I couldn’t finish, charmed strangers with his giggles, or gave a hilarious misnomer to an item she saw in a storefront. Hubby was sending me pictures of the three of them, having a grand time wearing superhero capes and having dance parties. I know, I shouldn’t complain. I was sitting in front of the fire at the Grove Park Inn, sipping hot chocolate. Still, I digress.

When you create two little beings, they are such a part of you that there’s no not missing them. There’s no glad you haven’t seen them in a while or relieved you aren’t changing diapers and scrambling eggs right now. I don’t think it’s a routine thing either… I don’t miss them because they’re a part of my routine and I’m a scheduled person. I miss them because they’re a part of me. They’re my favorite people. They’re opening my eyes to the world that they see and the feelings they’re discovering for the first time, not to mention milestones like learning to walk or pooping in the potty that I might be missing!

I also know that time with adults (read: people with wider vocabularies) and time to be by myself is healthy. I know that getting a full night’s sleep is a good thing, as is building and keeping up relationship with women that I love. It was a relaxing and rejuvenating time; we are an easy-going group, who all know each other well enough that we can skip pleasantries and get straight to what’s going on in our lives. And since we’re all at different points in our lives (ie: I’m the only mom) it’s fun to hear about things that we’ve passed, or things we haven’t come to yet. It’s good for me to remember that my life isn’t only inside my four walls with the three people I see most often. It stretches and encourages me that not all of us are in the same trenches.

Who says when you grow up, you don't like taking hilarious photos?
Who says when you grow up, you don’t like taking hilarious photos?
faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

A Christmas Story

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My daughter likes to have me read the Bible to her before she goes to bed. We have two versions that we read to her: The Beginner’s Bible and The Jesus Storybook Bible (both by Zonderkidz). For some reason, the entire season of Advent, we hadn’t read from the latter of the two versions until the other night. I was laying in her bed, her head nestled on my lap, and read the story of the Nativity, as written in The Jesus Storybook Bible.

Y’all. I was weeping.

I will first say that I’ve looked at the Nativity story – specifically Mary and her blessed job – a little different since becoming a mother myself. It’s rocked my world the past few Christmases, thinking about carrying a child you know will change the world in the best and most terrifying of ways. I’ll share a few favorite moments, but I have to say that I love the annunciation story:

“‘Mary, you’re going to have a baby. A little boy. You will call him Jesus. He is God’s own Son. He’s the One! He’s the Rescuer!’
…Wait. God was sending a baby to rescue the world?
‘But it’s too wonderful!’ Mary said and felt her heart beating hard. ‘How can it be true?’
‘Is anything too wonderful for God?’ Gabriel asked.
So Mary trusted God more than what her eyes could see. And she believed. ‘I am God’s servant,’ she said. ‘Whatever God says, I will do.'”

I love the way they don’t leave out the nuance of Mary’s fear mingled with excitement, followed by complete and total trust. My two-year-old might not have picked it up, but that was where the tears began. And here’s where they really picked up: the story of the shepherds. You see, I had never given a thought to God as a daddy. A great, big, Holy Father, sure. But a giddy, brand new Daddy? It melted me.

“You see, God was like a new daddy – he couldn’t keep the good news to himself. He’d been waiting all these long years for this moment, and now he wanted to tell everyone.
So he pulled out all the stops. He’d sent an angel to tell Mary the good news. He’d put a special star in the sky to show where his boy was. And now he was going to send a big choir of angels to sing his happy song to the world: He’s come! Go and see him. My little Boy.”

My little Boy. Thinking about my own little boy and his excited his wonderful daddy was when he was born made me wonder how much more excited God was to see his tiny Son be born!

Wrapping up the story was a perfect summation, written in a way that all can understand:

“But this child was a new kind of king. Though he was the Prince of Heaven, he had become poor. Though he was the Mighty God, he had become a helpless baby. This King hadn’t come to be the boss. He had come to be a servant.”

The excitement and wonder of Jesus’ arrival at Christmas is still a glorious foreshadowing of the sacrifice and hope of Easter. A incredible story of the humble beginnings of a baby King, growing into an unparalleled story of miracles, prophecy and fulfillment, suffering, death, and resurrection all for the sinners who had turned from Him. Reading between the lines of a children’s story, I experienced a shift from the busyness and excitement to gratefulness and conviction. I belong to this baby King, and he is my reason for everything I do.

random thoughts

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Happy Thanksgiving, one and all!

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J’s fall outfit from Thanksgiving dinner with Hubby’s family last night. My baby blue eyes ❤

Today, I challenge you to love your family a little extra, hug your friends one more time than you normally would, savor the flavor of your favorite dish, and linger in a moment of celebration. Reach deep down and find things you’re grateful for… even if you don’t have much. Holidays can be tough. Families can be complicated. Budgets can be tight. Expectations and tensions can be high. Sometimes, holiday gatherings can bring out less than the best in us.

But find a few simple things to thank God for today. The laughter of a child. The smile of a grandparent. An encouraging word from a friend. The chance to sit down for a few minutes with a friend. Hey, you might even get a start on your Christmas decorating today! Take the extra sets of hands, and put them to work. If you are the extra set of hands, then do a little work for someone else. Soften your words as you speak them and show some love. Everyone’s Thanksgiving will be a little better. Good luck, safe travels, happy eating, and have a wonderful Thanksgiving!