Tag Archives: motherhood

mommyhood, my journey as a mother, pregnancy, siblings

My Journey as a Mother: Family Planning (or Lack Thereof)

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I’ve been inspired the past couple of weeks to write about our family planning. Or lack thereof. There have been several articles I’ve read on the subject, about opinions on child spacing, and in the light of #mommitment I wanted to share my story (lest y’all think I’m crazy for having my three under three and a half).  

You see, when Hubby and I decided we were ready to start having children, we did what any couple’s first step is: I stopped taking the pill. This was January of 2011. We’d been married for a little over a year and a half, and we knew we wouldn’t immediately get pregnant, but we thought we’d see what happened.

What happened was a few months of “not not trying”, where we didn’t really plan out days or anything, but we knew we’d “pulled the goalie”. Then, after the few months of that, we started actually trying, planning days to try to conceive, and keeping track of every single thing – did you know there were APPS FOR THAT?! After a few months of that process and no baby, I’d spent way too much on pregnancy tests and not enough on newborn-sized onesies, so I tried a new approach. I started taking my basal resting temperature. That meant that right as I woke up, I would take my temperature before getting out of bed, record it, and wait for it to one day spike – ever so slightly-  which meant I’d be ovulating. Well, that day came, and so obviously we tried to conceive. Then the next morning, and the nine or ten after that, my temperature never went back down. I basically thought the system was busted. I can’t be ovulating every day. Well, I wasn’t. Because I was pregnant.

When EK was born 10 months later, I was nursing, and while I know that nursing isn’t birth control, I didn’t go back on any sort of birth control when she was born. Hubby and I figured the Lord had a plan, and we were good with whatever it was. My cycle didn’t come back until four months post-partum, and I breastfed until six months. We weren’t trying to get pregnant, but we obviously weren’t preventing it, either.

In March of the next year, when EK was 11 months old, I found out I was pregnant again. We were thrilled, and couldn’t wait to start telling our families, but before we even got to that point, I was cramping and bleeding, and ended up miscarrying at 7 weeks. I was told that I would start my cycle back in 4-12  weeks (Really? What sort of help is that?!) and not to try to get pregnant again until then. I guess they were basically telling me not to rush back into it, and let my body get back to normal. Well, I was obviously emotionally wrecked and not really in a hurry, at least until my body did what it needed to do. A couple of months later, I was out with some girlfriends, who asked me about it. I started counting the weeks, and realized I was at 13. They hadn’t said it would be any longer than 12 weeks (although, how accurate is it, truly?) so just for good measure, I went home and took a test. Positive! Boom.

This time, I had no inkling how far along I was… I’d had to period to reference my ovulation and conception. It wasn’t until my ultrasound at TEN AND A HALF WEEKS that I’d have the baby before the year was out. How’s that for a crazy few months, and an enormous blessing at the end of them?!

After J was born at the end of that year (2013), I nursed him for eight wonderful months, and when he weaned himself, my cycle started back. I had exactly two periods, and found out I was pregnant again. And here I am! 27 weeks with my third little miracle.

Now, did I plan it out this way? No. Did I try to plan differently? No. Am I aware how blessed I am to be fertile and healthy and blessed with three children in four years? Absolutely. I know everyone is not this way – and especially on timing, wouldn’t necessarily want to be this way. Are we often a bit of a madhouse around here? Yes. Do I expect it to get much better? Not for a while. But do I love my little tinies, how close they are together, and how happy they make me? 100%.

I do get some comments and looks at the grocery store when people see me with my littles, and obviously another on the way. “You sure had them close together!” and “You know what causes that, right?” are things I hear a lot. Yes, they are obviously close together, thankyouverymuch. Yes, I CLEARLY know what causes that. I’m a grown woman, amIright? So while I didn’t try to ensure my kids would be mistaken for Irish twins, or likely straight up triplets when they hit high school or so, I wasn’t against having them all in diapers at the same time, or all in college at the same time. I’ll survive. And they will thrive.

holidays, mommyhood, women

6 Things She’d REALLY Like for Mother’s Day

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Because Mother’s Day is next weekend, and you need to start dropping hints NOW, I decided to post this a week in advance. As a mama, I think I’ve got a lead on the whole mother’s day gifting thing. Jewelry is always nice, and so are coffee mugs with sweet little sayings on them. But here are some things that I think would be a real hit with any mom, less expensive than diamonds, and a little better received than her 14th coffee mug.

If you do happen to think this mug would pair nicely with any of the suggestions below – you know, if the mama has a sense of humor – you can find it on amazon.com!

1. House Cleaning Service. It would be lovely for the mother in your life to not have to clean her toilets or mop the floors for a little while. She’d love it if you hired someone to do it for her for a change!

2. Date Night with her Significant Other. I bet she’d love to be wined and dined and out on the town for a little while, kid-free, in a cute top and dangly earrings. It doesn’t have to be the most expensive joint in town, as long as it also isn’t a Chili’s.Not hating on Chili’s, but not on date night, folks. Not on date night.

3. Coffee. To put in last year’s mug, of course! Whether it’s a gift card to the local coffee shop or a bag of her favorite expensively-roasted beans, this little caffeinated treat will ensure the safety and sanity of all involved. If she’s a coffee connoisseur, consider a French press or a nice bean grinder to feed her addiction.

4. Massage, Facial, or Mani/Pedi. One of the biggest perks of spa-type gifts is alone time. No kiddos at your massage, am I right? I think any spa-type gift is a relaxing and thoughtful one, and the better you know the mama, the better you’ll be at choosing which kind to get. If you don’t know her too well (maybe it’s your new mother-in-law) you could get a gift certificate to the location, instead of the service.

5. Wine.  A newly-encountered bottle of foreign wine to pair with the next meal of her choice, or a nice bottle of her favorite to enjoy while bathing the kids then watching Netflix, wine can be a much appreciated gift! Better still, a night out with the girls at a local wine bar could be the thing that keeps your favorite mother sane. The mama you’re thinking of isn’t a wine drinker? Get her a fresh bottle or six-pack of her favorite libation and she’ll thank you just the same.

6. Movies. This doesn’t necessarily mean take her to the movies. That can be a super expensive evening if you’ve got to hire a babysitter, go out to dinner beforehand, and get some snacks and two $15 tickets. Since that’s typically the deal with an at-the-movies date, she might just be willing to settle for watching that flick she missed in the theatre snuggled up with you on the couch with a glass of wine. Bonus points if you cooked her dinner and put the kids to bed. After all – quality time is the goal.

Whatever you decide to get the lady who bore the children, make sure you have her mind when you get it. Pair it with a card with something you wrote inside it, and she’ll swoon. Show some love, add a few hugs and kisses, and it’ll be perfect.

home, mommyhood, siblings

We Work Better Together.

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I don’t have a label for how my family works. Hubby and I both work part-time, flexible hours, and are both home a lot with our kids. We have a lot of family time – more than most families are able to pull off with work schedules, school schedules, etc. Since we’ve only got one in preschool twice a week, and the other is home all day, we have a lot of time that the four of us are hanging out together. Hubby and I truly are great at being each other’s advocate, staying away from the good cop/bad cop game, and not becoming the “default” parent.

We work better together.

Sometimes, our schedules lend themselves to passing the kids back and forth, and hardly seeing each other. Those are the rare, busiest days or weeks. I can see the kids (and myself) suffer. I’m not as great a cook as he is (my daughter says, “You’re a good cooker-man, Daddy!”), so when they’re with me, they get a great breakfast, okay lunch, and whatever I can find (or, let’s be honest, pick up) for dinner. When they’re with Hubby, or when we’re all together, we have well thought out, home-cooked, delicious meals. I like to be out of the house a lot, so when I’m there, we go to parks, play dates, running errands, and little trips to do other things. Hubby is a little more of a homebody, so they don’t really go anywhere if I’m gone.

The kids also get more one-on-one time with us, because sometimes if I go out, I just take one of the kids. It’s a little easier logistically (a little less buckle-unbuckle-buckle-unbuckle, am I right?) and I get special time that they aren’t pulling each other’s hair, or trying to play with the same toy. They get our undivided attention, feel our love for them as they are, not them as a group. And we are lucky to be able to love them so singularly so often.

So although my family isn’t in an easily-labeled umbrella of parenting style, I think we have our best possible situation going on. Our kids get equal parts mom and dad. As mom and dad, we get equal parts  of our kids. We share responsibilities at home, like laundry, cleaning, cooking and grocery shopping. We share time off, time alone, and time at work. We share preschool drop-off, doctor’s appointments, bedtime routines, and afternoon naps when we aren’t feeling so hot (addendum: if we’re pregnant).

Am I suggesting that you all go quit your jobs, pick up part-time ones, and try to do what we’re doing? Absolutely not. I know for some people, they’d go crazy in the different-every-day schedule, and the whaddya-mean-dad-does-the-cooking? situation. But I am saying that teamwork makes it better for us. Working together is what we like to do, it’s what’s best for our kids, and what’s best for us as parents and as a married couple. We can both put our best foot forward, take a break when we’re burned out, and never worry about whether we can remember when naps are and whether or not we cleaned all the sippy cups. Being equally yoked and collaborative partners in our lifestyle brings out the best in us, and in our kids. Is there anything better than that?

faith, mommyhood, women

Let’s Stop Shaming Ourselves

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How often do we as mothers – as women, as humans! – shame ourselves? We do it unconsciously, as if it’s built into our DNA. We give ourselves the roughest time, hold ourselves to the highest standard. I know that I beat up on myself for using unkind words toward my toddler in a stressful moment, or not using my time wisely to do the chores, get more sleep, or make a healthier meal.

It takes a lot to be a mom, whether you’re a stay at home mom, or work at home mom, or work outside the home mom. It takes an incredible balance, to do everything for your kids, to take care of the house, the spouse, the pets, to go to your job every day, to get your shoes on the right feet and shirt on forwards. Every single thing we do, we tend to hold ourselves to a standard of perfection. And I don’t know about you, but it’s exhausting.

When we give ourselves little or no grace in our lives, it’s exhausting. When we don’t give ourselves room to breathe, grace to make mistakes, and the opportunity to start over every morning (or after every nap!) it can lead to just making more mistakes and getting even more choked out trying to do your best.

Jesus’ parable of the prodigal son is a perfect example of how we need grace from the Father, but also from ourselves. Both brothers in the tale needed grace – the younger needed it from his father after he had strayed, and the elder needed it from himself, because he had held himself to a nearly impossible standard. The elder brother laments to his father about how his brother rand away, squandered his wealth, and came home to have a party thrown in his honor, while he himself had been working day and night for his father, with nary a calf killed in his honor. His father tells him, “All I have is yours.”  He could have everything his father owned at any time, if he had only asked. He just hadn’t felt worthy.

There are so many things we can miss out on when we don’t feel worthy, when we don’t treat ourselves well. We withhold things from ourselves because we think we don’t deserve them: time off, nights out, afternoons away, time at the spa, other indulgences. We feel like if we take time and money for those things, we aren’t spending that time and money on what’s most important – our kids. Well, to an extent, that may be true. If we’re spending ALL our time and money away, maybe we do need to reevaluate.

But if you are so stressed because you haven’t had a few hours away from the kids and the housework to get your nails done, have dinner or drinks with your girlfriends, or just to roam Target, alone, with a Starbucks in your hand, then I say you deserve it. Get that babysitter, call that friend, or ask that relative to love on your kiddos for a few hours. You work hard. You do the absolute best you can, day in and day out. Give yourself some grace, and a break. How much easier will it be to show grace and love to your kids if you aren’t stressed out? How much easier will it be to come home and cook dinner if you haven’t been pulling your hair out all afternoon? We love and give and do our best from a place of fullness. If you feel like your tank is empty, and you’re “all gived out”, then allow yourself to recharge, whatever that looks like for you, any way you can. Help yourself to be the best you by giving yourself grace, and forgiving yourself for your mistakes. Tomorrow is a new day.

mommyhood, my journey as a mother, pregnancy, women

I’m Making a Mommitment.

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Lately I’ve realized that my social media newsfeeds are overtaken by things about parenting. Blogs giving me suggestions, companies trying to sell me their products, friends posting questions, opinions, and pictures of or related to their kids… I’m totally inundated by “mom stuff”.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that a lot of these articles, products and opinions contain labels about a parent’s style. How the mom delivers her baby. How she nourishes her baby. How the parents help their babies sleep. How the parents plan to transport, potty train, educate, and discipline their offspring. There are a thousand ways to rear a child, and no one has any business telling other people they’re doing it wrong, or to try to force their way on someone else. We’re all doing the best we can. This video is a great one along those lines, I think:

I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago about helping mothers (especially expectant mothers and new mothers) feel celebrated and loved. Well, this is part of that. Melissa at One Mother to Another (she’s the best!) brought a movement to my attention. It’s a #mommitment for us to all make to each other, to support mothers, one and all. Whatever our similarities or differences, to set them aside and support each other’s efforts to be the best parents we can, in the best way we know how.

My #mommitment to you:

I pledge to accept you as you are, no matter your situation, choices, or style. I promise to support you, in any way I can, no matter whether we made the same choices for our little ones, or if we couldn’t be more different. I vow to be in your corner, defend you, stand alongside you, laugh with you, cry for you, be happy for you, or mourn with you. I will listen to you respectfully, and respond with kindness. I will share my opinion with grace and understanding. I will not judge you, condemn you, or scoff at you. I will not label you or assume things about you by the choices you have made. I will celebrate your special journey as a mother.

I will do these things because we are bound by an invisible tie. We know some things about each other without being told. We have similarities that cannot be chosen – they are inherent. We are mothers, and we should stand together. I know that sometimes, I will need these things from you, too. I have often asked questions, needed advice, and just plain needed to vent. We all need each other, and building barriers because of styles and “labels” doesn’t help any mother, or any child. 

So there it is. A commitment to you, fellow moms, to be supportive, loving, kind and helpful. To NOT be judging, belittling, unkind, or harsh. I’m passionate about ending the mom wars, and spreading the love and support to all moms. Hear me? Every. Single. One.

mommitment

If you’re interested in reading about the mom behind the movement, visit Julie’s page Next Life No Kids and read about her journey, and her movement. You can also find her and the mom movement on Facebook and Twitter. Join us, and make your mommitment to end mom wars with compassion and support.

everyday mom link up

faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

5 Things I Can Do Now That I’m a Parent

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This post also appeared on MyBigJesus.com!

Now That I'm a Parent...

There are some things that I do now that I would have never done before I had kids. There are some things that I do still more, now that I don’t work full time and I spend a lot more time with the kiddos. You might say I’ve had a bit of a etiquette backslide, but I’m enjoying it.

1. Snack all day. Mealtime is now about the kids, so I eat a little of whatever I fix them (mostly healthy) and then snack around whenever I’m hungry. When I say “snack around”, I mean snack around corners, behind closed doors, and in small increments. I can’t share those Cheetos.

2. Wear clothes even when they aren’t exactly clean. At this point in my journey, my life goal is to cut down on laundry. The more times I wear those yoga pants, the better. Because they’re black, that’s one more wear. And that toddler-height smear on the thigh? It’s definitely only a few minutes old. I haven’t had a chance to change yet.

3. Pass on the shower. I don’t mean that I never shower, or that I don’t like to be clean. On the contrary, now that it’s less a part of my routine and more like a luxury, I like it even more. I’ll tell you a little secret: when you see me with my hair pinned back, it’s because I haven’t showered since I’ve slept. It’s my thing.

4. Talk to myself. I never did this a whole lot, but ever since I had my first baby, I’ve felt like reading to them, talking to them and singing to them was good for them and for me. Now that it’s been three years of this, I’m used to narrating my life. So often, you may hear me giving a running commentary even when no one is around. This also may branch out to making a song out of basically any activity; included activities made into songs at my house include putting on socks/shoes, brushing our teeth, rocking in a rocking chair, and washing our hair, to name a few. Just let me have this one, okay?

5. Pee with the door open. In my house, this is a matter of safety. I need to shout commands, and be able to hear every sound my kids make at all times. If the door is closed, I’m suddenly in the dark about the mischief-making of my kids.

What do you do now that you’re a parent that you didn’t do before?

mommyhood, random thoughts, women

An open letter to friends who don’t invite me to stuff just because I have kids

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To all of my friends who have ever not invited me to something, simply because I have kids:

I have three important things to say.

1. The invitation to the party, event, etc. is almost as good as getting to come to it. I know that you would’ve liked me to come, but you thought you knew what my answer would have to be, so you saved me the trouble of saying no. Well, I want to take the trouble of saying no, because sometimes that leads me to number two.

2. The answer just might be yes! I know it’s often not a kid-friendly function, and that’s okay with me! I have lunch dates, I go out with friends, and I even attend parties after my kids’ bedtimes. The tricky thing is that I still have to be invited. I can’t  just show up to your party, because, you know.

3. My feelings sometimes get hurt. Yes, I know how this sounds. I’m not trying to whine or make you feel guilty or anything. I’m just being honest. I’m sitting right here as you make your plans, and maybe you already know that tonight, I’ll have to say no. But can you just throw this tired mama a bone? I want to feel wanted.

Now, I don’t need a bunch of invitations to stuff upon people reading this post. I’m not looking for pity. I’m just sayin’. A gal can be honest in this little corner of the internet, right?

mommyhood, my journey as a mother, women

My Journey as a Mother: Confessions of a Night Owl

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Y’all, having early-rising kids is hard.

That’s a statement that (if you know my kids well) would get me stoned by many. My kids rise between 7:00 and 8:00am. I know there are a LOT of you with kids that get up WAY earlier. But this is still a struggle for me a lot of days… because I’m just not a morning person. Now, if I can get up (after several alarm snoozes), take a shower, make myself breakfast and coffee, and have a while to myself, I’m not so bad. I mean, I taught school for 6 years and was fine by the time I got there. But that’s an hour or more after I woke up, and frankly, before that, I’m not worth seeing.

My kids, however, often get the blunt end of my morning crankiness. I try not to be mean or anything, but often I’m blase and awkwardly quiet – avoiding using my voice at all costs. They are chatterboxes, full of life and cuteness no matter what time it is, and I’m giving them 10% (unless you count the 90% of my strength it takes to change the inevitable poopy diapers and not choke).

I have heard from a lot of my stay-at-home mama friends recently that they’ve made resolutions to get up before their kids. The reasons are different for everyone: chores, quiet time, uninterrupted shower, breakfast with their husbands, working from home, or any combination of these. For me, it sounds great. It sounds like the perfect solution to not getting much alone time, needing a shower first thing to wake me up, and being able to ingest some caffeine before I had to speak out loud.

But in practice, it just isn’t going to work.

For one, my kids each get up at different times than the other kid and at different times every day. There’s almost no way I can plan on how to give myself thirty minutes or an hour without accidentally giving myself two hours or negative twenty minutes. I might have one up by 6:15, and one sleep till 8:00. I might have them both up between 7:15 and 7:30. On the rare occasion I need to be up to leave the house early, and don’t set an alarm, because the kids will definitely wake up, I will wake up all on my own around 8:05. Of course.

Secondly, if I knew I had a guaranteed hour (let’s just say I would), I’d probably be arguing with myself over a shower, a whole pot of coffee, two loads of laundry, a kitchen deep clean, and three new blog posts. And that list completely left out any quiet time in the Word before the rest of my world distracts me. See! Too many things vying for my attention before my people are even awake.

But at night, like right now as I write this (it’s 9:57pm) I’ve written several blog posts, done a load of laundry, and I have some one-on-one time with the Hubby planned. I’m not even tired yet! I mean, my pregnant body is sorta sick of standing up, but I’m not sleepy. I could probably keep going for several more hours, or until I lay my head down. I don’t have trouble falling asleep when I let myself rest. I just have trouble waking up, no matter how much sleep I’ve had. That’s got to be a problem, right?

The only exception to this weirdness about not waking up well is when I have a newborn. Somehow my hormones or my motherly instinct is jumping that first couple of months of my child’s life. It’s like my body knows I’d never be able to support a newborn unless I made a change. I can magically pop out of the bed when I hear the hungry cry of a baby, and after a quick pee, I’m rushing into the room, changing a diaper, whipping out my boobs, ready to nourish my child. That energetic waking goes away the first few nights of sleep I get uninterrupted. God forbid the sleep schedule should regress a little…

But most days, I man up. I don’t roll over and beg my late-night-working husband to do the morning routine instead. I love those little chatterboxes, and their ridiculously chipper morning attitudes, no matter what time it is. It’s tough, but so are a lot of things about being a mother. I’m sure I’ll do tougher things. But for now, my daily struggle of waking up in the morning, compounded by pregnancy and my night owl tendencies, will continue to be blown away by the morning blessings of my cuties, their smiles, their smells (am I right?!), their snuggles, and their relentless need for breakfast. I love those guys.

everyday mom link up

mommyhood, my journey as a mother

My Journey as a Mother: Breastfeeding (Part Two)

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my two chunkers, with their buddy Styles, who refused to smile 🙂
  As a continuation of my breastfeeding journey with EK, my journey breastfeeding J was much easier. Already, I knew the pain I’d feel in those first few days – and I was prepared mentally this time. So that was less of an issue. He had a MUCH better latch than she did, and so we started off much better. My milk came in more quickly (while I was packing to leave the hospital, in fact!) and so he got the full effects of that more quickly.

However, he was a sleep-nurser, which in turn made him a little less efficient. Therefore, he didn’t gain as much weight, so the pediatrician was worried about him, so I was worried about him, and we went through everything we could think of to keep him awake, get him to eat instead of pacify, and get him to gain some weight. That basically turned into me pumping and giving him some bottles more often (he’d finish a bottle without stopping, just not nurse for very long without sleeping) and eventually supplementing formula.

He continued being a good nurser once he started gaining weight and we were doing bottles as well as nursing. It didn’t take him much longer to find a rhythm, get the benefit of breastmilk as well as formula, and be a chubby babe just like his sister was. He continued doing bottles with breastmilk and with formula while I was working, and nursing while I was home until he was 8 months, when I had stopped making very much milk (I had stopped working by then) and he just weaned himself. He stopped being interested in nursing and just wanted bottles, and my milk dried up. Since he was so old, eating food as well as taking bottles well, and was clearly not having any weight troubles anymore, I didn’t press the issue and let him make his decision.

I don’t have any regrets about this process. I don’t regret giving him bottles and formula to help his weight gain. I don’t regret letting him wean himself at 8 months. I don’t regret a moment of our journey. He’s a healthy, sweet boy, and we have bonded and have a wonderful relationship. I have loved every moment getting to know him more and more, and I know that our initial bonding with breastfeeding helped that along, but isn’t the only thing that mattered in our relationship. Bonding can happen without breastfeeding. Bonding can continue after you stop. Make the best choice for you and your baby, and whatever that looks like, good for you!

mommyhood

My Journey as a Mother: Breastfeeding (Part One)

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I want to start a series. I don’t know often it’ll be added to, or what I might put in it, but I’d like to call the series of posts “My Journey as a Mother”. Instead of snarky things my toddler says, or cute things I’ve baked with friends, I want it to be honest and personal, about my unique journey as a mother. Since my kids are so young, I doubt I’ll ever truly run out of things to talk about, and I can add things as often as I feel led to write about them. 
Something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently (as I’m preparing for the birth of my third child) is something I don’t think I’ve blogged about at all – breastfeeding. This can be a really hot topic, one that many women/mothers/caretakers feel passionately about. I don’t want anything I say to be a “persuasive article” or “offensive rant”. I just want to share my story, my struggles, my successes, and my hopes for the next breastfeeding journey on which I’ll embark.

When I was pregnant will EK, it was a no-brainer that I would nurse her. It’s widely accepted as the healthiest thing to do, so of course it would be what I did for my daughter. Where her birthday fell during the school year  (mid-April), I knew I would have several months of potential nursing before I would have to go back to school in the fall and likely into a routine of more pumping than nursing. I was looking forward to April-August being able to mostly nurse, and introduce bottles and scheduling a pumping routine as I went back to work.

This, as you might imagine, wasn’t how my perfect plan worked out.

EK had trouble latching right off the bat. I know now that I didn’t do everything I could have, but she also had a few problems as well. I’ve already accepted this and moved on from it with no guilt, so I will suffice it to say that nursing, after a painful, tedious six weeks or so, just didn’t work very well for the two of us. However, being a mama who wants to do the very best thing for her children, I decided the exclusively pump. This turned into the longest five more months of my life. At first, my supply was good, I was even able to freeze some milk, and never worry about my baby being hungry. She never shied away from a bottle, and seemed very pleased to be fed by whomever offered the bottle to her (just an early glimpse of her hungry-hippo nature that still exists). I got more sleep when Hubby was able to feed her a bottle at some point during the night (or late night before he went to bed, as it often was) and we didn’t know any better than to think this was our best possible situation.

But after a couple of months of pumping several times a day (and sometimes during the night if I got too uncomfortable) for almost 45 minutes each time (looking back, I’m appalled by my slow letdown and need to go through several letdowns to get what my baby needed), I was growing tired of the chore. I was eating oatmeal everything, drinking water like a camel, drinking a dark beer a day, using warm compresses before I pumped, and everything else I knew how to do to up my milk supply and make it worth it to keep going.

It seemed like the harder I tried, the less milk I made. The more I tried to find times to pump at school or during the night, the less milk I got at each pumping session. It was truly disheartening to feel like I was failing at feeding my child the “natural” way. Finally, after a few months of “supplementing my milk with formula” I released myself from the pump’s shackles.

I cannot TELL you how this freed me! Pumping several times a day wasn’t bonding with my baby. It was hardly getting her anything she needed. She was eating enough by the time I stopped at six months that I was barely getting a bottle’s worth in an entire day. It had been such a struggle to force myself to keep going, when I wasn’t yielding enough to nourish her. I was becoming emotionally wrecked about it, and I just couldn’t shake the feeling I was failing. But when I finally let it go and switched to 100% formula (well, she had started purees by then as well) it was a load off of my shoulders and my heart.

And let me tell you – this gal was healthy. (Does the baby in that photo up there look like she’s not getting enough to eat?!) She IS healthy. She is smart, beautiful, well-adapted (as much as toddlers can be) and we do not have a lack of bonding in our relationship! I can confidently say that I made the best choice for her, the best choice for me, and the best choice for my poor Hubby who would lose me for several hours a day to the pump. We were all much happier when we made the switch.

So here’s a little encouragement: breastfeeding, while widely accepted as “healthiest” and “best” and “why wouldn’t you do it?!” isn’t for every mother and every baby. If it was easy, we’d all do it. If everyone was able to be with their baby 24/7 and was blessed with great supply and didn’t have any problems latching and was never treated as inferior by a lactation consultant (that happened to me, also) I’m sure that all mothers would breastfeed. But folks, it just isn’t that way. And that’s okay. Thankfully, there are many ways to have a healthy baby, just like there are many ways to deliver a healthy baby, and there are many ways to raise a baby. Let your mama instincts take over, and do what you believe is best.

I’ll post a little bit about my journey breastfeeding J soon. I hope you were encouraged by my experience with EK.

Did you choose to breastfeed? What was your experience?