Tag Archives: Parenting

faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

I Love You, But…

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I noticed this phrase I’ve been using recently – and I even caught Hubby saying it today. sometimes, when I’m telling EK to do something, she gets frustrated or even cries. So the next time I tell her, I often begin my sentence with “I love you, but…” Here are a few examples:

I love you, but you have to go to bed now.

I love you, but you can’t hit your brother.

I love you, but you have to eat your breakfast.

I love you, but you can’t wear your too-big, plastic, high-heeled princess shoes to school.

See what I mean? I don’t know if I do it because my parents did it, or if I made it up all on my own. But when she starts the tears, or stomps her feet and slams doors in frustration (definitely my daughter – sorry to pass that on) I want to head her off by declaring my love for her, reminding that I have her best interest in mind, and that I’m not telling her to do something she doesn’t want to do just for kicks. But I’m using my love for her like a disclaimer. I’m saying it just before I deliver the final blow of bad news: I love you, but we aren’t watching any more Bubble Guppies today.

My love for my kids shouldn’t be a disclaimer, or even a reason that I can tell them what to do. My love should be the viewpoint from which I act, speak, and parent in general. My love should be what chooses my words and lifts my hands. My love is the reasoning behind wanting to help my kids be healthy, responsible, kind, and happy – not the thing I say before I force them into those things. So I’m going to challenge myself: I won’t follow my “I love yous” with a “but”. I won’t discount my love by saying it with an ulterior motive. I love my kids. I love them regardless of any and every situation they could possibly be in, which is why I will choose to parent without excuses, even if the excuse was “I love you”. There is no “I love you, but…” There is only an internal “I love you, so…” I will help you make the best choices now, so that when you’re older, you’ll make the best choices on your own.

faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

Raising a Daughter in a World of Mean Dudes

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This post also appeared on MyBigJesus.com!

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This week, I came across an article about that guy – Julien Blanc – who teaches men how to be sexual predators. It scared the mess outta me. I’m talking terrified. Not because I think that one of those men is going to be messing with me. No. It scared me because I have a daughter. I’ve written about how tough I think it is to raise a daughter before, and unfortunately, it’s not getting any easier.

I have a laundry list of things I want my daughter to be. It does not include doctor, lawyer, CEO, president, or even famous humanitarian. The list does include, however, things like loves Jesus, is happy in her profession, does kind things for others, and knows that she’s beautiful in the eyes of the Father who created her.

You see, I want her to know her worth in her Creator. Everyone else’s opinions matter not. She is called perfect and beautiful by the One who created her as such. She doesn’t need any certain clothes, tons of makeup, and the approval of a boyfriend or best friend to make it so. Her unique qualities and abilities are gifts. It’s Hubby’s and my job to raise her to know that. In a world of plastic surgery, eating disorders, cyber bullying and domestic violence, I want to raise a woman confident in herself because she knows who she is.

There’s only one starting point – the Gospel.

I can’t do everything. I can’t force her to internalize every single characteristic and ideal I might nudge her way. But I can teach her the Truth. I can tell her about God and his amazing sacrificial love. I can model the Father’s love for us by loving her with unconditional love. I can provide opportunities for other like-minded souls to help reinforce these bits of Truth in her life. I can help her understand that knowing Jesus is the best and only thing she can do to truly know her worth and potential. I can start now – at two and a half years old.

My little girl is beautiful and smart. She’s as witty as a two year old can be, and already a ham for the camera. For real y’all – she basically only wears tutus (see above photo) and won’t leave the house without her fanciest shoes. I just want to make sure she knows she’s awesome and doesn’t need anyone’s approval for that piece of information to be true. She just needs to know Who created her, how He feels about her, and where He wants her to go. It’s like the cheesy song goes: she’s gonna do great things; I already know.

mommyhood

10 Cute Things My Toddler Does

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Now that EK’s communication is skyrocketing every. single. day. there are some cute things and some hilarious things we hear coming out of her mouth. Here are a few of them!

1. “God loves me! God loves you!”
This one happened having lunch on Sunday after church (and at least once every day since then). She’s getting some good takeaway on Sundays!

2. Whenever we get in the car, she shouts, “Wanna sing ‘No Bath Today’!”
In my car, I have a cd of songs recorded by Hubby’s cousins when they were kids (The Tune Mammals – I know, right?!), including a song titled “No Bath Today”. That one is obviously her favorite.

3. She needs a “huh and kiss” any time someone leaves the house.
This is a personal favorite. If I put on my coat, or pick up my keys, she comes running, yelling for a “huh and kiss” before I leave. I die every time.

4. She feels the need to “pat the… everything”. 
Just today, I noticed that EK wanted to “pat Mommy” and “pat the baby” and “pat Annie”. I’m attributing this to her love of Pat the Bunny unless anyone else has an idea?

5. She wants to eat whatever J is eating. (And vice versa.)
I haven’t decided if this is a blessing or a curse. She literally wants to take whatever he’s working on and put it in her mouth. And he yanks the food out of whoever’s hand is closest. At least no one will go hungry?

6. She wants to do it herself.
This is usually cute, except when it’s making us late. Our lives are full of “El Kate do it!” *wait three seconds* “I need hep!”

7. Something small is a “baby” something.
Includes carrots, grapes, trees, flowers, animals, toys, balls, sticks, you get the idea.

8. She always closes the lid.
J has a certain affinity for playing in the toilet, so whenever EK uses the potty or happens to be in the bathroom, she closes the toilet lid and says, “No, no, Joe-Joe.” I can’t imagine where she heard that.

9. Silly, Ella Kate.
When she’s doing something she knows she shouldn’t be doing, even if I’m watching, and even if I’ve just told her to stop, she smiles and says, “Silly, El Kate!” as if that will pardon her misdemeanor.

10. She likes working out.
When I’m doing yoga, or doing a workout in the basement, she loves to do everything I’m doing. She is especially good at push-ups and downward-facing dog.

Does anyone else have a toddler with hilarious tendencies?

faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

8 Things I Want My Non-Parent Friends to Know

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This post also appeared on MyBigJesus.com along with tons of other awesome posts – check them out!

I have lots of non-parent friends. They’re great! I love spending time with them, although sometimes it seems that I don’t get to as often as I’d like. So, non-parents, here’s to you!

1. I still want to hang out. Yes, it might mean you come to me more often than I come to you. Yes, it might mean that I come with one or two little stowaways. Yes, it might take a little more planning. Yes, it might even mean that it’s cut short or cried out by a kid (with me or with someone else). But I still value our relationship. It looks different, but I don’t want it to end.

2. I can still be spontaneous. There’s the odd night that my kids are in bed early, and I am not tired. Yeah, I said it. Sometimes, I want to leave the house at 8:00pm and watch tv with you or catch a late dinner. Give me a break and meet me for a drink, already!

3. I didn’t stop being cool. I still like listening to good music, seeing good movies and eating good food. Why do you assume I only eat chicken nuggets while listening to Raffi?

4. I’m still a woman. Yes, “mommy” is one of my number one defining attributes. However, I’m a wife. I’m a friend. I’m a daughter. I’m a sister. Most of all, (GASP!) I’m a woman. I love wearing mascara, shopping for shoes, sipping lattes and (insert any other cliche about females here).

5. I don’t think less of you because you aren’t in my shoes. Just because you decided not to have kids, or haven’t found your soul mate doesn’t mean I think any less of you. I have friends in every stage of life; I haven’t limited my hangout group to “parents of young kids”.

6. I like to stay up late! I’m still a night owl; I can function on less sleep sometimes. I’m productive and happy at night after my kids go to bed, so call me up or come over for a chat! Don’t assume I crash at 7:30pm when my kids do, because that’s only sometimes true.

7. I love my kids, but I don’t mind leaving them sometimes. In fact, I think it’s healthy for me to have conversations with other adults, have a meal I don’t have to share, and to peepee in the potty without an audience.

8. I would love it if you hung out with my kids. They’re hilarious. I’m proud of them. I want to show them off in their best light, and I also want you to see their off days, so you have a real picture of who I am through these little lives I have created, shaped, loved and let go. Yeah, it might not be for you right now. It might not be for you ever. But being a parent is fun, crazy, hard and rewarding. It’s who I am. It’s the greatest gift God has ever given me, and I do my best to relish it and share it. Get to know my kids, and you get to know me.

mommyhood

Potty Training Update

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Here’s a TMI post for you if I’ve ever written one…

Our potty training has been extremely lax. Our philosophy has been that when EK is ready, she will start making moves. So we bought a little potty, put her on it a couple of times each day, asked her several more times a day if she’d like to use it (usually receiving a “no” for a while), and otherwise let her tell us how interested she was – or wasn’t. She’s just now two and a half, so I haven’t been terribly worried about it, especially because in the past month or so she’s been doing a GREAT job.

((Side story: Hubby and I traveled with the kids to GA for my high school reunion. On the way back to NC, we were, uh, really tired, from the party the night before, so we just put the kids in the car in their pajamas, and hit the road. We stopped at a Subway for lunch and hydration and rest, and EK decided that she HAD to use the potty. At Subway. Gross. And guess what she was wearing? One piece zip-up pajamas. So I’m in the Subway bathroom, exhausted but giving my A+ parenting game, stripping my daughter to her skin to hold her over the toilet seat, that I’ve completely covered with toilet paper but I’m still not letting her touch. After she has successfully done her business, I’m trying to get her back in her (dry!) diaper and zip-up pajamas with no changing table… aka standing up… without letting anything touch the floor. Blerg. That was a long ten minutes. Now back to regularly scheduled posting.))

She’s started mentioning using the potty more, so we’ve started asking her a lot more often, and it’s been working! We keep a dry diaper a lot of the day, and use the potty several times, so we’re feeling great. On Thursday, she even (wait for it…) POOPED in the potty! And even my limited potty training experience tells me that’s a milestone!

Funny little thing about the past two weeks… EK has decided she no longer wants to use the little training potty. She only wants to sit on an actual toilet. Okay, great. Except she can’t really keep herself from falling in all that well. It takes a little more help from whoever is with her. But it’s pretty cute to see how proud of herself she is when she’s tinkling in “Mommy’s potty”. We’ve been rewarding her with a couple of jelly beans each time, so she’s extra excited to get those!

So now we’re to the point that we need to really buckle down and get her from using the potty most of the time to all the time. We just bought some Pull-Ups, so that should help. What are you suggestions for completing the process? And then, how do we wean her off the jellybeans?!

faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

She Loves You (Yeah Yeah Yeah!)

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With kids, everything happens in stages. Stages of waking up every few hours, and stages of sleeping through the night. Stages of independence, and stages of debilitating neediness. Stages of picky eating, and stages of so hungry they’ll eat sidewalk chalk after a three course meal. These stages – seasons, I like to call them – go by alarmingly fast sometimes.

Recently EK has entered into a season of snuggling, hugging and kissing. Voluntarily showing love, basically. It’s particularly merciful because this season is on the heels of a difficult season of not wanting to sit still enough to snuggle, yet screaming and crying if we left her for even a moment. But she has (for the time being) moved on to confidently knowing we’ll come back, and giving us smooches for the road.

For instance, the other evening I was leaving to go to a birthday party, and left the kids with a friend. When I announced that I was leaving, told her I loved her, and turned toward the door, she ran over to me saying, “Hug! Hug!” So of course I picked her up, and she said, “Bye bye mama. I miss you.” Talk about melting a mama’s heart. I mean, seriously… when I pick her up to hug her these days, she snuggles my neck, pats my back and strokes my hair! It’s truly a Pat yourself on the back, you good parent, you! sort of thing. The gestures of love she’s received from Hubby and me are being given back to us. She has so internalized our love and the way we show it that she is giving that love back out.

What if we, as children of God, took the gestures of love shown to us by the Father, and gave it back to Him? Or better yet, passed it on to others? The Heavenly Father gave up his only son for you. And me. And our families. And old folks in nursing homes. And inner city children. And celebrities. And sleazy politicians. And murderers and thieves. He loves us (all of us!) that much. As much as I love my children (a ludicrous amount), it’s only a fraction of the love God has for me. If we take even a portion of the love and blessing we’ve received from the Father, and multiply it by passing it on? That’s Kingdom business.

faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus, teaching

I have no “back to school”.

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But isn't it nice that I'm with this gal all day?
But isn’t it nice that I’m with this gal all day?

It’s fall. The weather is cooling off (thankfully), the pumpkins are out in front of every grocery store, Halloween decorations are popping up everywhere, and all I hear on the radio is that the stupid fair is coming soon. My daughter has started preschool. Church activities have been going for weeks. But something feels… weird.

It’s the first time in my life that I haven’t gone “back to school”. When I graduated high school, I went to college. When I graduated college, I taught middle school chorus for three years, then elementary school music for three more years. And here I am. Not back to school.

I’m not regretting this decision at all. I am happy to be working part-time at my amazing church, and spending the bulk of my time loving my children and my husband well. But still, as I am settling into a schedule (mostly by force – I need that routine!) I still have so much unstructured time. I’m used to cramming my lunch in 18 minutes, multi-tasking like a boss, holding my bladder for an abnormally long time, and changing what I’m teaching (read: living, breathing, doing, thinking about) every 40 minutes – and often sooner than that.

But you know what else I was used to? Being drained at 3:00pm. Working some nights after working all day. Thinking about the needs, wants, thoughts, and jibes of hundreds of children that weren’t mine. Missing my own children all day while I was off taking care of someone else’s. Feeling bad that I had nothing left for my family after I’d spent myself on my job.

That last one was my kicker. Because truly, I enjoy working. I love having a schedule (there it is again), having a reason to leave the house every day, and sowing into something outside my home and family. I love teaching, and the opportunities the job gave me to really love on some kids who needed it. I love instilling knowledge and love of music into kids who need something at school for be good at, when math and reading don’t come easily. But for right now, Hubby and my own kids are what I need to focus on.

I respect you, working moms – especially teaching moms, because I have been among your ranks, in those trenches with you. But I am incredibly grateful that I could make the decision to leave you for a while. I’ll return, but right now, I’m thinking of you as a wrangle my ridiculously strong son into his clothes for the day, make several breakfasts and eat whatever the kids don’t, and microwave my coffee for the third time.  I’m thinking of you, because I know many of you are happily at jobs you love, knowing your kids are happy in their schools and day cares or with daddies and nannies. I’m thinking of you, also, if you’re wishing you were doing what I’m doing but it’s not possible. While it’s weird that I’m not back to school, I choose to rest in the unstructured craziness and enjoy it.

faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

Looking for Patience and Grace

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This post appeared on MyBigJesus.com

I’m constantly reminding myself to chill out. I’m always noticing a pan that didn’t get washed well enough, or seeing that J’s third shirt (of the morning) is dirty, or remembering something I forgot to do, or… you get the point. I immediately want to freak out at these things. My life is full of messes I can’t clean up and accidents I can’t prevent. O ye of little patience, I am your leader.

Being a parent, a wife, a human, is a lesson in patience for me. Being a teacher for six years was as well. I’m all about some deep breathing, counting to ten, and clasping my hands very tightly in my lap. Patience is the biggest thing for which I’m constantly asking God. Sure, I say it different ways: “Help me get through this traffic without succumbing to my Atlanta-bred road rage!” or “Help me not to yell at EK for spilling the sunflower seeds all over the floor because I know she didn’t mean to.” I come by it honestly; I can be high-strung and short-tempered (just like my parents – sorry, Mom and Dad). Hubby is a saint for putting up with me. But I don’t want my kids to grow up afraid of me because I lurch quickly into frustration. I don’t want them to have memories of me flying off the handle over small stuff. But how exactly do I extend the patience and grace that have been extended to me?

Hubby is a wonderful example for me in patience.  When I said he’s a saint, I was serious. He is able to absorb my craziness and let it go. He shows me endless support, patience and grace for my quick temper and my OCD nature. I see his patience with the kids and with me, and I know I can try harder to give others (okay fine, my kids) a little more grace.

I don’t have it perfected yet by any means, but I start by repairing my thought life. Toxic thoughts just multiply unless I change them. Changing the way I think changes the way I react. Changing the way I react changes how I feel. Often, if I have no patience in a situation, I notice it immediately, and then I get angry with myself for having no patience! It’s a vicious cycle if left alone. However, if I can wait, change the way I’m thinking – extend a little grace and a little patience – it makes all the difference in the world. When I feel like I have no patience or grace to give, I sit back for a moment, and draw from the boundless stores we’re blessed with every moment of every day.

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faith, mommyhood, My Big Jesus

It just takes one. And sometimes, that one is you.

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If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that I’ve been writing for My Big Jesus once a week or so. You also know that I love Jesus. You ALSO know a lot about me. So, you won’t be that surprised when I tell you that I had a total Jesus moment today.

I was at church for a worship team meeting, and was stopped on my way out by one of the sweetest ladies ever. She’s a long-time buddy of my mother-in-law, watched Hubby grow up, and is a fixture of wonderful ministry at our church. She had a really cool story to tell me.

She had seen my post Like a Litter of Puppies on My Big Jesus, loved it, and shared it with her kids (who are a little older than me). Her daughter, who had read it, got a call from a friend who was in shock at finding out she was (unexpectedly!) pregnant with her fourth child. Can you imagine?! You have three kids. You think you’re all set., then BOOM. One more is coming! She obviously is going to love that fourth child, but you can see why it’s a shock, right? So anyway, the daughter sends my post about Hubby and his brothers being like puppies, and big families and close siblings, and she is totally encouraged! She was blessed by the words that The Lord had put on my heart. That blows my mind.

This story is an inspiration to those of us who desire to bring people closer to God. Whenever I write a post like that, for My Big Jesus or just for my own blog on a whim, I hope it touches one life. If my words reach one life, encourage one soul, spark one mind, or help heal one heart, I am satisfied. Sometimes when I write, that one person touched is, in fact, me. Other times, it’s a friend who saw me link it on Facebook. Or even still, a total stranger, like the story today. It was a very “six-degrees-of-separation” feeling to know that a friend of a friend of a friend read it and was touched. But that’s why I’m doing this! I wrote that post just for her, in that moment of her life, when she needed to hear a little encouragement in a situation in the midst of which she was surprised to find herself. I never know who you are that needs to hear this, but hey – this one’s for you.

mommyhood

Like a Litter of Puppies

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This post was featured on MyBigJesus.com

Hubby and I have said, ever since we started talking about kids, that we’d like to have them close together. There are two reasons. First of all, my brother and I are almost seven years apart, and we were never very close… at least not until we were both adults. We get along great now, but we were never in the same stage of life till we “grew up”. Secondly, Hubby grew up with two brothers, just a little over 3 years between the oldest and the youngest. They’ve always been best friends – shared everything, fought over everything, loved the same things, and disliked the same things. They knew each others strengths and weaknesses, successes and faults. Yet they had a strong bond. They still have do, and that bond has carried over into their wives and children as well (you know, once the kids have personalities and do their own things).

Hubby (far right) and his brothers, circa 1988-ish.
Hubby (far right) and his brothers, circa 1988-ish.

I just spent an evening recently, celebrating one of my sisters-in-law’s birthday, with the whole family (Hubby’s parents, his brothers, their wives and the offspring). The love that every person in the house had for every other person was amazing. We know each other well, know our nieces and nephews well, and we love each other well, too. But the most hilarious thing is to see the brothers interact. When they’re all together, they have a hilarious tendency to revert back into their eight, nine, and ten-year-old selves. They immediately start bragging about their Nintendo skills, talk about how they used to wrestle each other in the basement (roundhouse kick to the FACE!), and possibly give a quick reenactment of one of their fights. Or, they lie on the floor, cuddling, like a bunch of puppies, maybe even with their kids.

Sometimes I sit and think about how much love is in that pile of faces and limbs and laughs. Grown men or babies, love and a sense of belonging abounds. What a great image of the love of a Father, who knows us better than we know ourselves, who knows our thoughts before we think them, and loves us abundantly anyway. To be loved is important; to love others unconditionally is of even greater significance.

So when I think about my children, I want to pile them up like puppies. I want to them to have that sibling love inherently, to not really know life without their best friends. I want them to experience that love early, and first hand. Their siblings and cousins, because of their closeness, will know each other inside and out, and will know how to love through differences or difficulties. What better way to love and be loved?

The four babies of the three aforementioned boys, less than one month in each picture.
The four babies of the three aforementioned boys, less than one month in each picture.