Tag Archives: humor

My Son’s First Haircut: A Total Toddler Travesty

This post also appeared on My Big Jesus!

These things happen, they say.

You’ll look back and laugh about it, they say.

Well, I cried about it.

We had just come back from a quick overnight trip to the mountains. We had mostly unpacked, the kids were playing with their toys we’d left behind (because 24 hours away makes them seem new!) and Hubby and I both had some work to get done. While he started getting ready for his gig, I retreated to my computer to do some work for my service on Sunday. I was probably out of the room (the living room… where everyone else was) for about seven or eight minutes total, when I came back through the house.

EK saw me coming and happily shouted, “Mom! I’m cutting Jophiss’ hair!”

I wasn’t alarmed yet. She often took a plastic toy knife and sawed away at her own or her brother’s hair, jabbering on about haircuts. But I quickly saw that this time, there was no pretend sawing happening. My pink-handled scissors from the kitchen drawer were being used to strew my son’s perfectly virgin curls all over the floor. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized what couldn’t be taken back: he had just received his first haircut. No little ceremony, no taking pictures, no sweet, little-boy ‘do resulted from this experience. Just a jagged chunk taken from over his left eye. And now? Nothing left to do but just take that line all the way across his forehead.

So sitting in the floor, tears blurring my eyes (safety first!) I took the blasted scissors, and finished the job. Of course, he figured he didn’t need to sit still for me, so it took a couple of tries to get a semi-straight line of “bangs” across his big noggin. (I want you to know I’m still crying a little as I write this.)

 A couple of days later, we’d started to get used to his new look. At least we didn’t have to swoop the bangs over to get them out of his eyes, right? Anyway, one evening J took a big spill and bonked his forehead on a door, right between his eyes. After I got him calmed down, gave him some Tylenol to ease the blow, got him snuggled in my lap and his whimpering stopped, I only had one thing to say. I looked up at my worried mother-in-law, who had helped me get him calmed down, and said, “Well, if EK hadn’t cut his hair, we wouldn’t even be able to see his giant bruise!”

 Because making light of a stressful situation (even by making fun of a previous stressful situation) can dispel that tension and get a giggle out of even the most concerned grandparent.

Things Toddlers Say

Good morning! Hope y’all are having a great Tuesday so far! Here are some funnies from our family over the past week… enjoy! 

 Any time I forget anything:
EK: Mom! You too-got!

Me: Let’s talk about what you want for lunch, guys.
J, runs to get a squeeze pouch of he-doesn’t-even-care-what, and hands it to me. When I don’t immediately open it, he starts fussing and slapping his legs (the “I’m annoyed” sign).
Hubby: Oh, he hasn’t had anything to eat since his after-breakfast-after-snack snack, so he needs his pre-lunch snack before he has lunch and then a snack before his nap bottle. Then he’ll go two entire hours without eating and be ravenously hungry when he wakes up, so that he can eat straight till dinner.
Me: Basically.

When we were visiting my parents, we happened to be on a playground near a train track, and actually saw a train go by. Ever since then…
EK (every five minutes): Can we go see choo-choo train?
My response: We can’t really plan on being right where one is. It’s just a happy accident when we see one.
Hubby’s response: No.

J (trying to open a door): Hup! Hup!
Me (five minutes later): Oh! You’re asking for help!

EK: Birdie! Stop eating our blueberries! NOW!
Me: I guess somebody’s gotta be the scarecrow.

EK (in the car): I’m hot.
Me: Okay, here’s some air (I adjust the front seat vent).
EK (holding her hands out, with a relieved look): Ahhhh….

And here are a few contributions from my mom, while we were in the mountains…

EK, with her doctor kit: Mecie (what she calls my mom) I want to hear your heart beep!
(Proceeds to listen, then take blood pressure, and hand my mom some “ice cream”.)
EK: I’m gonna be a doctor-man!

EK: Can we play with the choo-choo trains?
Here’s a picture of what she was talking about: 

 Hope you enjoyed the humor from our week! What are your kiddos saying that’s cracking you up?

Ways to Keep the House Clean

We started to clean the bathrooms a few days ago. This is what it looks like right now. I didn’t clean it up after taking this photo. I just closed the door to the bathroom.
Having kids – multiple kids especially – sometimes makes your home… well, a disaster zone. Depending on the number of kids and their ages, that could be a mild-to-massive understatement. Typically, Hubby and I are pretty clean. We like our dishes to be done soon after meals (partially because we’ve had ants in the past, and THAT, my friends, is a terrible thing to deal with). We like our laundry to mostly be clean and put away. We do not like to feel grit on the floor underneath our feet. These are just a few examples of a perfect world at the Hsu house.

However, we’ve found those goals to be basically unattainable. Dishes? As long as they’re soaking, they’re good for several more days hours. Laundry? If you’ve got clean underwear, you’re all set. Grit-free floor? Yeah, right. Vacuuming happens every other day or so, and I still feel the grit. And what have we not even mentioned? Handprints on windows and mirrors, rings in tubs and toilets, dusting (who has time for that?!) and all the rest. My kids are like dirt bombs. I bathe them every single day (really, I do!) and somehow, they’re tracking food, dirt, and something that makes spots on the floors (Their sippy cups? Drool? The world may never know.) in and out and around the house all day long. Everything I accomplish during naps or after they go to bed seems to be undone within a matter of minutes. We’re thinking of quitting the housekeeping thing altogether.

Current situation on our bedroom floor. We’re switching out furniture, and someone (rather, two someones) decided to pitch in.

Our normally lovely indoor garden, as redesigned by Joseph (with a measuring spoon and a small pitcher, I might add).

Recently, I’ve realized there are a few things help me stay motivated to keep things slightly nearer to under control:

1. Leave the vacuum out. If it’s already plugged in and out in the middle of the room, I’m likely to use it more often. (Not a suggestion. Merely an indicator of how often I need it.)

2. Put the laundry on the couch after taking it out of the dryer. If you put it in the place where you’re most likely to sit down, then you’ll have to fold at least some of it to be able to sit. (Not a suggestion. Simply an indicator of how much I dislike folding laundry.)

3. Order take out or eat at a restaurant instead of cooking. The more items you can throw away, the less dishes you have! (Not a suggestion. Just a dire straits situation.)

4. Eat outside. This helps with clean up after meals, especially if you’ve got a hose near your porch. Just brush everything onto the porch or the ground, and sweep/hose it off into the nearest grass or dirt. Done! (Not a suggestion. Unless you’re trying to enjoy the weather.)

5. Keep the kids in diapers as long as possible. Less people using toilets, toilet paper, and bathrooms in general means they must stay cleaner longer, right? (Not a suggestion. DEFINITELY NOT.)

6. Only bathe the kids once a week. Saves water, no ring on the bathtub, and less baby soap to buy. Makes even more sense when it’s summertime and the kids are swimming a lot. (Not a suggestion. But it would save water.)

7. Attach Swiffers to your kids’ feet whenever you’re at home. JUST KIDDING! Or am I?

What are your tips (real or not real) to stay ahead of the game and keep your house clean?

Things Toddlers Say

Happy Toddlers Tuesday! I bet y’all thought I forgot! I just had a busy day, so it’s going up as an evening edition.

This week, J makes an appearance, and we’ve got a Hubby funny as well. I hope y’all are having a great week so far! Enjoy! 

 Botany:
Me: Look at your tulips! Remember how I said they’d open up after a few days?
EK: Aww! They’re really cute!

EK, unprovoked: Can I watch you get a baby in your tummy?
Me: *ridiculous laughter*

Me: Say you’re sorry to your brother.
EK: (Completely and actually innocently) Sorry Do-Do. (Instead of Joe Joe like she often calls him.)

Potty training advice:
EK: Don’t poop in your big boy panties, Daddy.

Home improvements while kids are napping:
Me: Well, let’s just go to Lowe’s. Let’s just wake up the kids and go! (Sarcastically of course.)
Hubby, deadpan: Yeah, whether they nap or not has never made a difference to my day.

Teaching J our friends’ names:
Me: Chris…. Andrea. (x1000)
J: Isssssss! AnDEEugh! (time #1000)
Me: great job! Say bye bye to them!
J: Bye bye, mama!
(Repeat the above about 5 times.)

Personal grooming:
EK: Mom, can I have a cair-hut?
(Apparently she missed the word haircut.)

Housekeeping:
Me: EK, could you please put your plate in the sink?
EK: No.
Me: Come on, I asked really nicely.
EK, with dramatic teen-like eye roll: Uuuggghhhh okayyyyyyy! *slams plate in the sink*
Me: Thank you?

Well, those are all my funnies from this week. What are your kids saying?

Things Toddlers Say

Happy Tuesday, everyone! I hope you all had a great Memorial Day yesterday! Ours was very low-key, but still lovely. I have several hilarious treats for you today in this post… Enjoy!



Hubby and I have a Asian meal we love to eat when the weather’s warm, and he just calls it cold noodles. Basically, it’s chilled noodles in several Asian sauces/oils, with egg, ham, cucumber and bean sprouts. We gave EK her first bowl of the summer (she had eaten it before), and she took one bite, then whined: Mommy, warm up my food! (Face palm.)26

While cutting fingernails and toenails…
EK: Look, Mom!
Me, looking at a crescent-shaped fingernail clipping: What about it?
EK: It’s like a little crown! For Elsa!
Me: Hmm…
EK, pointing at a hang nail: Can you get this out?
Me: Sure! (Clipping it.)
EK: (gasps) You saved me!! (throws her arms around my neck) Could you also take my toenails off?
(This is code for toenail polish. When she wants it off her fingernails or toenails, she asks me to take the nails off. Yikes.)

When preparing one night to watch a little TV, EK: I wanna watch Docka Duffus!


She was trying to say Doc McStuffins, and she pronounced it duh-fuss instead of doo-fuss but it still literally made me cackle out loud, so she kept saying it and giggling, even though I don’t think she knew why it was making me laugh.

What happens when your threenager hears that your car’s in the shop…
EK: Yor car’s broken, Mom?
Me: Yeah. It’s broken right now. (Aka a currently unidentifiable reason.)
EK: You gotta get a fresh one!
Hilarious on so many levels.

After picking EK up from preschool, she taught me about a new cough remedy…
Me: You’ve got some snack left on your face! What did you have?
EK: Just yogurt. It made my cough go away!
(She didn’t have a cough, and I’m not sure why yogurt would’ve helped.)

What’s your toddler/preschooler/threenager been jabbering about this week?!

My Kids Are Basically My Best Friends

This post also appeared on My Big Jesus!

I came to the realization the other day that my relationship with my kids is similar to that of best friends. Our level of closeness rivals that of Bert and Ernie or Thelma and Louise. I’ll tell you why. 

  
I talk to them more often than anyone else. When I’m constantly answering, “What’s that, mama?” and asking, “Are you ready for lunch?” I easily exceed one million words a day that’s we’ve exchanged. We literally talk about everything: foods we dislike, places we’ve left things, how bad our poops smell, and why we have to wear shoes to go to the playground.
I hold their hands a lot. We just love physical contact. Every time we’re in a parking lot, on a sidewalk, in a store, or crossing a street, we hold hands. We just can’t keep our hands apart.

We’re inseparable. I literally have one of my two best friends by my side all day long. We don’t even go to the bathroom alone! The only time they can bear to be separated from me is when they’re sleeping, and that’s only sometimes.

We know everything about each other. We’ve been in some seriously close situations together. Potty breaks, showers, laughing, crying and sleeping: we’ve done it all together.  There are very few things about each other we don’t know. For instance, we can read each others’ moods, get on each others’ nerves, and do the sweetest things for each other, all on purpose.

We love each other a lot, but bicker like an old married couple. We don’t agree on everything, and we’re completely honest about it. I don’t agree when they poop at inconvenient times or refuse to eat their vegetables. They don’t agree when I make them go to bed on time or share their toys. We aren’t afraid to speak our minds. Our family is a safe place, after all.

Having little stooges to share my life with is basically one of the best things I’ve ever decided to do. Now, if they’d just get old enough to swap off driving on our road trips, or pick up the groceries on their way home, we’d be all set.

Parenting Fail #9337: Peeing Outside

This week, we’ve been visiting my parents in Georgia. They have a pool in the backyard, so my kids have been in and out of it since the moment we pulled in the driveway – literally. We got out of the car, and my parents were chilling on the porch, so of course my kids walked over, saw the pool, and flipped out. It was about 8:00pm, but still light out (summer!) so we just stripped them down, put on their Puddle Jumpers (If y’all don’t know about those, they are lifesavers. No pun intended.) and let them jump in. It was a nice stress release after a looooooong drive. Anyway…

So my kids have been spending lots of time out on the porch, or in the driveway, or walking laps around the house, checking out the nature scene. They’ve also been doing a lot of not really wearing clothes (once again, summer!). I mean, J in a diaper and a shirt, or EK in just her undies, it’s been hot, who cares?

So yesterday afternoon, we were all out on the porch, and EK had gotten out of the pool and gotten back into just her undies. She was playing with some magnetic letters, and all the sudden I look over and this is happening:

 She’s squatting, watching herself pee, right through the undies, right onto the deck. I just started laughing so hard I couldn’t even tell her to stop! My friend Lauren looked over, and started laughing too, and when Hubby came back outside, I was still laughing so hard I could barely speak. I had literally asked her if she needed to go potty less than five minutes before that. I was a little disappointed, but it was too hilarious for me to care much. Especially because she was proud she’d watched herself go…

 This whole potty training thing has been one of the most entertaining things I’ve ever done with EK. And she’s communicating more and more, so her bathroom commentary is hilarious.

Have you ever had a hilarious potty training fail? Tell me about it!

Things Toddlers Say

Happy Tuesday! Sorry for being afternoon by the time I got this post out. It’s been a busy couple of days! This week there was a lot of Hubby being funny, so enjoy!

Hubby: This one (pointing to something on his plate) is my favorite.
EK: (pointing to the same thing) yeah, this one’s my favorite, too.
Hubby: I’m a big do-do.
EK: yeah, I’m a big do-do, too.
Hubby: it’s the little things.

EK, holding a (kids’) fork and knife: I gotta cut your hair!
*J, holds very still*
EK: okay, all done!
Me: thank God that wasn’t gonna cut it anyway.

Writing lesson:
EK, as she’s writing: M-O-P-O-M. Mommy!
Me: I can totally see it!
Writing: Thumbs up. Spelling: Needs improvement.

Hubby, holding J: This is his fifth poop today! It’s like he sat on a thousand tootsie rolls. Except it smells like Mordor.

Hope you enjoyed a little laugh today! What have your kiddos been saying this week?

Suggestions for a Monumental Parental Tax Write-Off

Last night, I read a post on Scary Mommy (because hilarious, yes?) about things moms should be able to write off on their taxes. The writer listed wine, goldfish crackers, yoga pants, cable, concealer, coffee, and boxed mac and cheese. While I agree with a few of those (wine and coffee- can I get an amen?!) I’d like to add a few of my own… Especially in honor of today being tax day!

image source: heavy.com

Tissues. Between colds and allergies, my four-person household goes through more tissues than the entire state of Rhode Island. We are drowning in snot or drowning in used tissues; either way, I’d like to get a rebate on those little nose-wipers. 

Netflix. At our place, we don’t pay for cable, but I’d like to see a parent of a toddler who doesn’t invest in Netflix for the momentary glimpse of sanity that is given by Chuggington (Chuggle Trains, according to EK) and Super Why. That’s not even counting the hours I waste spend with the Gilmore Girls. 

Fruit. What snack is easier and less guilt-ridden than fruit? Berries, apples, bananas, pineapple, mangoes, melons… My kids eat it up so quickly I can barely keep it in the house (until I buy it in bulk, and it wastes away or gets frozen. What is this phenomenon?!)

Diapers. Haven’t we overlooked the obvious long enough? That stuff is expensive. And consumable. And flown through at the rate of a hundred a day in my world. Yikes. 

What else do you feel like you should get a rebate on? Is there anything you buy obscene amounts of for your kids?

Book Review – Yes Please by Amy Poehler

In honor of World Book Day, here’s a review of a world-class comedy…

Love Amy Poehler? Me too. Cry a little when the Parks finale aired? Me too. Frequently re-watch her SNL episodes and think the Golden Globes she hosted with Tina Fey were the best thing ever? ME TOO! So go read her book!

Yes please, I will have lunch with Amy.
Yes please, I will have lunch with Amy.

I started her book knowing I was going to love it, and she delivered. I laughed, and I might’ve even teared up a few times. She talks about career, her family, her friends (Tina Fey and Seth Meyers, especially) and everything in between. She’s just as humorous on paper as she is on screen, and I was a junkie for the little nuggets she’d reveal about this SNL sketch or that episode of Parks & Recreation.

I was also struck by her humanity – how she talked about waitressing to make it in Chicago, when she finally got “her teeth fixed” and when she visited orphanages Haiti. She is extremely real, and I love that. She didn’t feel the need to be funny on every single page, and I loved that too.

She also talked about “Smart Girls” – an incentive she started with a friend to empower young girls to be powerful, intelligent and successful women. Talk about a feminist in a real way, not just a philosophical one.

Basically, I want to be friends with Amy Poehler. Can anyone hook me up with that opportunity?